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January 13, 2016

The greatest movie you'll never see.

I congratulate everyone involved with Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the highest grossing movie of all time. But is the new Star Wars better than any of the movies created by me, legendary director Steven Spielberg? Not by a long shot.

And I’m not just talking about E.T., Raiders Of The Lost Ark, and the perennial holiday favorite The Terminal. My best movie is a film that no one has ever seen. It’s a cut of Schindler’s List with dinosaurs in it. Yeah, I know: you’re wishing you could have seen that over the holidays instead of Star Wars.

You see, while I was filming Schindler’s List in Poland, I was also working on the post-production of Jurassic Park (that one’s just a regular dinosaur movie). And while putting CGI dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, it hit me: I could put dinosaurs in Schindler’s List, too. So I did.

And let me tell you: it’s an amazing movie. Schindler’s List With Dinosaurs is better than the regular Schindler’s List, and it’s better than Jurassic Park. And those are two great movies. Basically, it’s the greatest movie ever made, and you’ll never see it.

Of course, it’s a very different movie than both of those. It’s the full story of Oskar Schindler, who saved nearly a thousand Jews from the Holocaust, and it’s the story of raptors, brontosauruses, triceratopses, and a T-Rex living in WWII-era Europe. It’s a movie that presupposes that there was no meteor to hit the earth and wipe out all the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. The film also assumes human history remained unchanged on an earth with dinosaurs, and that one average man could make a difference in an indifferent world. It sounds incredible, I know.

Truth be told, I was very close to releasing it. But I told myself “Wait, Steven Spielberg, and see how the non-Schindler’s List dinosaur movie does first.” And it became the biggest grossing movie of all time. Still, I told myself “Be patient, Steven Spielberg, and release the non-dinosaur Schindler’s List and see what happens.” That movie won seven Oscars. I knew then that I had gold with the dinosaur Schindler’s List.

Unfortunately, for the moviegoing public, I keep this amazing motion picture in my personal film library, which is not like a regular library that you can just borrow stuff for free. It’s in my house, so I’ll never let you borrow it.

Well, OK, since I’m never going to let you see it anyways, I’ll tell you about one part where the T-Rex bursts into Ralph Fiennes’ office and eats the Nazi bastard for 10 minutes straight. The brilliance of that scene alone would make you forget about lightsabers for the rest of your damn life.

But make no mistake, though the T-Rex is obviously the hero of Schindler’s List With Dinosaurs, there are several Nazi dinosaurs (most of them brachiosauruses) because not even dinosaurs were immune from the hysteria and complacency that swept Hitler into power. Even so, the first rousing scene where you see the Nazi dinosaurs goose-stomping through the streets of Berlin is so stirring that it gets a standing ovation every time I watch it by myself.

I realize that today, schools could be showing Schindler’s List With Dinosaurs to teach history, and that the film could spawn a franchise that the new Star Wars films couldn’t touch. But by all means, enjoy your space opera. Tonight, I’ll be watching a black and white herd of gallimimuses flock through the German surrender of WWII in all its glory.

However, I will admit, my cut of Saving Private Ryan featuring a grown-up Peter Pan is complete shit.