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Stats & Data

May 09, 2009


Steroids has officially gone postal.

The list of all-star players who have been revealed to be using steroids: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, Andy Pettitte, Jason Giambi, Miguel Tejada, Alex Rodriguez, now.......MANNY RAMIREZ.

It makes sense when you think about it. The baggy uniform. The dreads to cover up his huge head (they all have huge heads). How he erupted last year when he was with the Red Sox and practically mauled a team assistant. How he always used to spend time in the Green Monster and no one would question what he was doing. This brings us to my theory.

My theory of why Manny started juicing is because upon signing with the Sox, at his press conference, he swore to the front office, the media, and the Fenway Faithful that he was going to BEAT THE YANKEES. I'm sure he woke up the next morning, in an empty Boston apartment full of scattered Tecates, and uttered..."What happened last night?" It's like when you're drunk and you get carried away, you end up doing something you regret. Either you make a bad dance move, throw the ping pong ball into some girl's boobs at beer pong, or in Manny's case, make a promise to beat the most bad-ass dynasty in baseball at the time. Oops.

So the next morning, Manny calls up his friend. Say his friend's name is, um..."Big Papi." Let's call him that for now. "Big Papi" offers Manny something that can help him beat the Yankees.


Manny: "What you got, ese?"

Papi: "Don't call me ese."

Manny: "Sorry. I'm just being myself."

Papi: "I know. They warned us about that. It's called HCG. It boosts your testosterone."


And that's how Manny got hooked. We have Big Papi to thank for it.


In other news, Ron Artest should fight Jose Canseco in China instead of that 7'1'' beast. It would make for a much more entertaining bout. If that's not allowed, he should fight David Stern, for the right to make a new rule that would allow Kobe to WHOOP HIS BUTT during the next Lakers-Rockets game. Because that needs to happen. I love Kobe for being professional, except when he stays at Colorado resorts, but in this case, let's play some street-ball. Artest has a right to defend getting elbowed, except when he runs after Kobe trying to start something, with that crazy look in his eye like he's at the Palace again. Everyone put your plastic cups away...

The Detroit Pistons need to feel good about themselves. At least they only lost by 15 points on average to the Cavaliers. Through Games 1 and 2, LeBron is BUTCHERING the Atlanta Hawks by nearly 25 a game, 10 points higher. And I thought the playoffs got harder as they progressed.  

Brett Favre needs to stay out of the news. That's all I have to say about that. Do you not have a family? They're starved for your attention, dude. So are all the fish in Mississippi. The Jets are more set with Marc Sanchez than you, that's a sign right there. Can't you just live off the "Wrangler" ads and ride away into the sunset? Actually, I'm not even asking anymore...I'm demanding it.