1) The Wedding Backstory Fans Demanded
Finally! The backstory on the wedding that nobody asked for! Because we couldn’t piece together that a room where a wedding clearly took place, but went to shit in a hurry, was the scene of something bad. Did anyone else think the dad turned a little too fast?
Maybe wait to turn until after the DJ plays Tootsie Roll! He was JUST about to play Tootsie Roll! Also, sorry this recap is a day late. I took Labor Day off (SORRY.) but a bunch of you tweeted @ me saying you only watch these episodes to read the recaps (DOUBLE SORRY THAT YOU ARE STILL WATCHING) so yeah. My bad! Hope this will be worth the wait! Spoiler alert: I drank 14 beers yesterday and had a 7AM flight this morning. I’m hungover and tired and this will be one of the average ones. TRIPLE SORRY.
2) I’ve Got A Great Feeling About Hero Dad & Chris
Hero Dad & Chris are back! Hero Dad is limping around Mexico like a zombie pimp who is owed money, I’ve got a great feeling about their chances of survival. Hey, did you guys see The Night Of? It was really good! They did this thing with John Turturro’s feet that was a very powerful storytelling device. This is not that. This is a guy, WHO STRAIGHT UP FORGOT TO WEAR SHOES WHEN HE FORREST GUMP’D ACROSS MEXICO IN SEARCH OF HIS GARBAGE SON, now dealing with the consequences of that choice. Cry me a zombie river! Hey, Chris wants to wander off on his own. Let’s give him clear instructions, no way he’d fuck that up.
Hero Dad, maybe ask some questions when your son comes back with what’s clearly someone else’s supply of beans and water. Nope? No questions? Not one? Cool! Congratulations on making your first post-apocalypse murder vendetta, Chris! They grow up so fast.
3) Grand Chris Auto
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a stolen automobile. And you may find yourself with a terrible son. And you may ask yourself, “Well, why am I still watching this show?” Chris is capable of so much on foot, definitely put him behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. Oh, brother! At least he didn’t hit the zombie with his car. I was pretty sure he was going to hit that zombie with the car! It’s sad that the bar is so zombie low for Chris, all he had to do was NOT do something painfully stupid and it’s a huge shock to everyone watching. AMC: Making the case for “maybe it’s OK to beat your child sometimes” since 2010.
4) Alicia’s Knife Counting
I shit on this show a lot, because I have nothing better to do on a
Monday morning Tuesday afternoon, but the keyhole shot was actually really fun and scary. It spooked me!
But what was up with Alicia (Is that her name?) and her knife counting? I didn’t get her system. One slash for a zombie, then make it an X if there’s another zombie? What kind of bootleg zombie algebra is this, Alicia? Get it together. Or don’t. None of this matters. I told you guys this was going to be one of the average ones.
5) Is That Guy’s Name REALLY Baby James?
Is that guy’s name really Baby James? Like, for real? You’re just going to let that be his name and we all have to accept it? Ugh. No thank you! Check please! Glad we got to find out more about the Mexibros. Sounds like they were some fratty dudes (FROM SAN FUCKING COMIC-CON DIEGO) partying south of the border and shit hit the fan? Cool. When I think of groups of men who go down to Mexico for vague partying, I think of people you can definitely trust who make great decisions. Link up with them, you certainly won’t wind up in a strip club parking lot at 3AM buying cocaine from a guy named Indigo.
6) Why Are All These Lights Flashing
Didn’t know the team behind the lighting at Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights also does hotels! Why are all these lights flashing? I understand that it creates tension and is spoOoOOOOooky, BUT ALSO, it’s dumb. Because it makes no sense. It’s not like Zombie Skrillex is in the hotel master control room somewhere dropping a light bulb remix by going all Michael J. Fox on the light switches. Ugh. Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m SORRY about that last one. Michael J. Fox is a treasure and I’m sorry I had to make that joke. I could’ve deleted it. I still can. I’m looking at it right now, and I could delete it right now, but I’m not going to. QUADRUPLE SORRY.
7) Getting Shafted
Climbing the rope in P.E. class is one of those things I always saw in movies and TV shows but never had to do in real life. Is it an actual thing? SOUND OFF IN THE COMMENTS IF THINGS ARE A THING. Holy shit, she’s using algebra (kinda?) and climbing a rope. This whole show is just some “stay in middle school” propaganda. You’ve got to wake up pretty early to fool me! Actually, that’s not true. You could roll out of bed around noon thirty and still fool me eight days a week.
8) Counting Kills
I remember the first time someone counted their kills on this show. It was cute then, it’s cute now! Rick Grimes barely has time to count the survivors he’s killed this week. Carol is knitting a sweater out of the flesh of those she’s slaughtered. I know when you count your kills out loud you think you sound like a big boy who says he’s seven and three quarters years old, but I assure you it has the opposite effect.
9) They Made One Fart Joke And Now Chris Is On Their Side
All it took was one joke about farting in a tent and now Chris thinks these guys are his best friends. Chris! WAKE UP, BRO! These folks are bad news. Hanging around them will almost certainly result in your deat- … You know what? Scratch that. These guys are alright! Ditch your deadweight dad who still cares about you for reasons I will never understand and join them on their quest back to their home that’s on fire. It’s a great plan. You’re going to have a blast.
10) Sheet Is My New Favorite Character
It should come as no surprise to long time fans of this terrible column, but sheet is my new favorite character. Sheet is bold. Sheet is dynamic. Sheet is also compelling. And all jokes aside, Sheet is more interesting than most of the humans on this show. What was the plan here? Because it didn’t seem like there was a real plan in place. Just two ladies running through the halls of a hotel making noise and brandishing an axe. And that’s OK. It’s 2016. If two ladies want to run through the halls of a hotel making noise and brandishing an axe, more power to them. But don’t hand me a cocktail napkin and call it directions to Waffle House. You’ve got to wake up pretty early in the morning to make a recap this average. I was up at 5:30AM this morning.
11) Of Course This Crazy Lady Turned Out To Be Crazy
Wait a minute. You mean the clearly crazy lady who goes around putting do not disturb signs on zombie rooms (truly the dumbest plan of all time) is *gasp* CRAZY?!? The heck you say! THE HECK. Uh, no doy she’s cray cray. Water is wet, the sky is blue, and pad Thai is delicious. Tell me something I don’t zombie know. But if I was running a hotel, I’d still want her on my team. Most people leave work a few minutes early. She’s been putting in months of overtime and she’s not even getting paid! Employee of the apocalypse, for sure. You deserve a raise, crazy lady! Will you accept payment in Do Not Disturb signs and cans of soup broth? You will? Of course you will, you crazy bitch. Never change.
12) Nothing Bad Ever Happens In Barns On This Show
I’ve got yet another great feeling about this. Nothing bad ever happens in barns on this show except for the fact that every time there’s a barn something terrible happens. Usually involving least one fatality. Gang, maybe take a break from chasing chickens like you’re playing gosh darn Ocarina Of Time to listen to Hero Dad. He’s making great points for once, mostly the one about this is obviously already a place someone else lives.
So long, dude who was rightfully defending his land. We hardly knew you. Hey, I wonder who shot that gun? What genius could’ve been smart enough to do something so brilliant?
Right. Sorry I asked. WELL THEN! Join us next week! Will Nick cover himself in the blood of all the chickens in the barn? It wouldn’t be him if he didn’t. Will Hero Dad continue to keep Chris alive even though the kid is a walking Darwin Award? Sure. It wouldn’t be him if he didn’t! What will Sheet do next?!? If I know Sheet (and I know Sheet like a brother or a sister I’m not sure what Sheet’s gender is but it’s 2016 stop trying to put labels on Sheet) then probably something bold and dynamic because Sheet wouldn’t be Sheet if it OH BROTHER, TIME TO WRAP IT UP. None of this and more (QUINTUPLE SORRY this was so average, I still love you guys for reading every week) on S02E11 of Fear The Walking Dead!