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May 05, 2017
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The CDC warned that Cropnesia, a mental impairment whereby the sufferer forgets they cropped a friend out of a photo, has reached epidemic proportions.

ATLANTA, GA –

The Center for Disease Control held a press conference today to announce that Cropnesia, a syndrome which affects the brain and renders the sufferer unable to remember that they cropped a friend out of a photo, has reached epidemic status.

Standing before reporters, Dr. Martin Clourence, a professor at the University of Santa Marta’s Memory Research Institute, explained the scope of the problem. “Cropnesia affects the area of the hippocampus that is responsible for memory associated with images. Victims of the disease develop a protein which inhibits memories of cropping photos. Specifically of their besties that they do not wish to have on their social media channel.”

Knew Right Away

“When I saw the picture of me and Jenny at the beach on her Instagram account,” said Lindsay Willkins of Providence, Rhode Island, “I realized she had cropped me out. I asked her about it and she said she would never do that, but I saw the picture on her phone when she took it. So, yeah, she has Cropnesia alright.”

Dr.Clourence has been studying Cropnesia since 2010 and said there has been a marked increase in the past year in younger people. “Three years ago, when you showed the average person a selfie photo that they had cropped, they could tell you what was in the original photo.“

"But that is not the case today. Many young people have absolutely no memory of the original photo they took with their friends, and especially not of the cropping they did to remove that person, because they were wearing an unattractive shirt, had a bad haircut, or generally looked basic.”

Some scientists estimate that the incidence of Cropnesia among ages 13-20 may be 45%, although the figure may be even higher. “It’s human nature to wish we had better looking friends,” said Dr. Clourence. “But when you combine the ease of taking selfies with unforgiving social media scrutiny, debilitating insecurities, and easy access to photo-cropping technology, well, the outcome is just not going to be good.”

Symptoms of Cropnesia

  • Friends texting you after you post a picture of yourself saying that you cropped them out
  • The same friends reposting old photos on their account with you cropped out
  • The same friends breaking a streak of 10 days or more
  • The same friends ghosting you all summer
  • The same friends throwing eggs at your car in the school parking lot
  • The same friends having to do community service and swearing that they will get even with you, if it’s the last thing they do
  • The same friends pushing you from behind at the top of the stairs on the third floor of your school
  • The same friends receiving 2 years probation and community service for the injuries you suffered as a result of the fall
  • The same friends robbing a liquor store and assaulting an old man who was waiting for the bus for good measure, because they had chosen a life of crime and YOLO
  • The same friends forgiving you because you like their new profile picture on Instagram

Treatment

  • Avoiding friends that you’ve cropped out of photos
  • Drinking alcohol
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