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February 15, 2010


We have been conditioned to respond to the above question with short one-two word replies. This way, the asker can feel good about asking you the question, and even if you are having the worst day in your life, it would be rude to reply with anything less than ‘fine.’ The problem is that ever since my in-laws decided to visit back in November, I have not been ‘fine.’ I don’t normally have a problem with visitors, but it is now February, and they still have not left. They plan on staying until May, as that is when most of the snow will have melted off of their house.

I could kick them out, but putting up with all of this bullshit will carry dividends into the next year. If I can stick it out till May, I will have so much relationship equity that I could get a blowjob from that same crack whore Hugh Grant used, and I’d still be in good graces.

In order to deal with my current frustration, I have decided to break the old tradition of not telling people how you really feel. I am now venting to anyone who asks me how I am doing. I figured this would work as cheap therapy for my problems, and I wanted to share my experiences with my fellow FODers:

Walking in to work on a Monday morning.

Receptionist: Hi, how are you?

Me: Motherfucker. I’m glad to be back. I won money on the Superbowl, but every play was spoiled by my mother-in-law’s nonsensical chattering about the fucking cute Budweiser commercial, Roger Daltry, and how she used to enjoy concerts, but people these days need to wear more ear protection because tinnitus is not easily cured. I wish I had Tinnitus yesterday.


Me: I’ll be in my office if you need me.

At the grocery store picking up a few things on my way home from work

Cashier: Hello sir, how are you today?

Me: I’d be ecstatic if that stupid, loud-mouthed Doberman owned by my in-laws doesn’t bull rush my balls as soon as I walk in the door to my own home tonight.

Cashier: I’m sorry sir, do you have a Vons Club card?

Me: It doesn’t matter. The gallon sized Stoli isn't on sale.

At a restaurant

Hi there, how are you. Can I tell you about our specials today?

Me: Sure, as long as none of them involve overcooked pork drenched in cream of mushroom soup, incinerated garlic bread or jello molds.

Waitress: No, they don’t…

Me: Perfect, I’ll take one now, and wrap up two more for me to take home.

At the golf course

Guy at Pro Shop: Are you riding or walking today?

Me: My wife has been riding my ass about not spending enough time at home. I have a 12 foot sectional I can’t even sit on, because my father-in-law has to let his diabetic horse/dog stretch out in front of it. Not only that, they have hijacked my DVR and have recorded every episode of Two and a Half Men and watch at least five episodes a night! I’m walking.

Guy at Pro Shop:
I’m charging you for the cart.

At the Drive-thru

Pre-recorded Drive-thru voice: Hello, welcome to Del Taco would you like to try our new flame grilled quesadilla today?

Me: No I would like a green burrito, a chicken soft taco, and my life back.

Different drive-thru voice: Ahhh jess, jou wan green burrito, cheeken taco, and a back of pries?

Me: Sure.

In conclusion, I highly recommend this therapy who doesn’t want to pay for normal therapy, or have already used up their mental health benefits for the year. I really enjoy the process of opening up to people who normally wouldn’t be available to listen to your problems, and actually end up disliking you when you are done with the interaction. These disposable relationships have been indispensable to me for the past few months, and I wish you the best if you end up trying this yourself.