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July 17, 2011

The following is a fictional account of a funeral service where the best friend of the departed reads a letter from the departed to his wife and child.

Hey old pal, as you had hoped, Mary asked me to say a few words about you. You obviously knew your wife better than she knew you. I'll do must best to honor your last wish, I just hope they let me get through it. Either way pal, I'll give it a shot.

I have to tell ya Bernie, I can't remember your ole lady ever looking better. Your boy Telle looks like shit thought and his wife smells like she slept on the bathroom floor of the O.T.B. last night. You'd think that he'd show up at his father's funeral in a suit or at the very least a shirt and tie but apparently the only clean shirt he has commemorates a 1983 Bob Seger summer tour of the east coast. Guess Mary had the final say in you being buried in your Brooklyn Dodgers Jersey huh? Apparently she felt that the salmon colored button down shirt with the french cuffs she always demanded you wear would be a better choice. Her brother did a smash to up job on your face. I'm not kidding, t looks like he smashed up your face. If you ask me, it's creepy to have a family member prepare you for your final appearance but I guess he gave her a pretty good price.

Well this is it buddy, I'm gonna miss you. I'm thinking that about our daily senior coffee at McDonald's with Byron isn't gonna be worth the fifty-cents without you. If I thought the wife would do it, I'd have her tell Byron I died too, but she ain't gonna go for that. I know I have at least another five years of his insufferably boring stories to deal with, unless of course his wife can convince him to relocate to Florida near her sister. I think I'm gonna start working on her at the reception. Wish me luck Bernie, this ain't gonna be fun.

The Eulogy

"Hello everybody. For any of you who don't already know, my name is Robert Kastner. I've known Bernie since the first great and probably liked him since the fifth. Anyone who knew Bernie knew him to be a quit, humble man. Bernie kept his opinions to himself and never said a bad thing to or about anyone. About a week before Bernie left us, he asked me as his life long best friend, to read a letter that he pre-prepared for the day of his funeral. So without further adieu......"

Family and Friends,

"For the last few weeks I have layed in this hospital bed reflecting on my sixty-seven years of life. I thought about the people that have I have come across and the places that I've been, the cards the lord dealt me and the one I've dealt myself. As a result of the quit time you all gave me by not bothering to visit me while I was dying in the hospital I was really able to put things in perspective and then down on paper."

"First to my wife of 43 years: Our partnership only ever resulted in the one child. I know I told you that our constantly unstable financial situation was the reason for my lack of interest in having additional children, but that was a lie. You were a total bitch while you were pregnant, and continued to be one throughout the rest of out marriage. It wasn't all your fault, the kid is an asshole as well. I don't blame you for being the frigid ice queen you are, a lot of that responsibility can be split between your heartless bitch of a mother and that guy your dad use to work with that you were cheating on me with. Neither of them treated you with any respect. I guess this is also the last opportunity I have to come clean about what happened to your dog, Caramel. I put her in one of my old bowling bags and threw her into Lake Michigan. I don't think she suffered much...well not as much as you did that I'm sure of. Since I was always a betting man, as Bob knows, I am willing to wager my immortal sole that your best friend Cathy is sitting next to you right now with her mouth wide open. It's a pretty safe bet because as long as I have known her that she has never been able to keeping the fucking thing shut. Do you ever think Cathy will ever figure out that her husbands gay? I know this is probably a shock to you but wait until you talk to my lawyer, that's gonna knock you on your ass. I left his business card attached to this note, Bob will provided it to you at the end of the presentation."

"To my son Telle: I know you think I was never very fond of you. You're right! The minute you came into this world I wanted you to go back, mostly because I thought your were really ugly. I use to carry a picture of a different baby in my wallet to show people who knew that I had become a father. Your awkward stage started at birth has yet to be over. I know I didn't spend a ton of time teaching you the things that boys need to know to one day make the transformation into being a man. This was because I hated to be around you and figured that due to your looks you would turn to drugs and alcohol at an early age, never really becoming a man. I guess I was wrong. Not about the alcohol and drugs of course but about growing into man. You found the beautiful Stephanie and convinced her to be your wife all those divorces ago, and look she's back again. On the plus side, her meth addiction has kept her thin after all these years."

"In Closing, last week I checked with my bookie and learned that although my original debt to him was fifty-thousand dollars, my failure to pay him has resulted in a substantial increase in that number. Mary, I provided him our address and told him that he could expect to be paid in full this Friday. I hope he is more understanding with you than he's been with me, but I doubt it. I also gave him Telle's address just in case."

Toot A Loo,

Bernie T. Krumply