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September 11, 2017

There's trouble in paradise with the new roommates and Taqa wants to trade his Pogs collection for water. 33 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'Fear The Walking Dead' two part mid-season premiere S03E09 "Minotaur" and S03E10 "The Diviner"

1) Zombie Herding Dogs

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Everybody has to do their part these zombie days, including the dogs who I guess are herding zombies now? Is that a thing that’s efficient or necessary or makes any sense at all? Nope! Kind of like a two hour mid-season premiere.

2) Alicia Is Still Having Sex With This Bozo

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We’ve all been there. Alicia is stuck banging some moron with a bad face tattoo because regularly scheduled sex turns us into idiots who abandon our standards. It’s probably the most relatable thing anyone on this show has ever done.

3) Why Are They Marching Around The Desert In Full Army Gear?

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It’s a million degrees outside, you guys. Maybe ditch the head to toe army fatigues and go with something a little more breathable. You’d all look cute in some jean cutoffs and tank tops! You guys know you’re not actually in the military, right? They can call themselves a militia all they want. I know a bunch of dumb people wandering around the desert in unnecessary apparel when I see it and it’s called Burning Man.

4) New Roommates!

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Having new roommates can be tough. Except instead of meeting them on Zombie Craigslist, these folks are here because a generational blood feud was just settled with an apparent suicide and postmortem decapitation. But Troy is ready to bury the dad brains and get things off on the right foot. That’s why he’s speaking strictly in terms of vague racism and general distrust. You know what will patch things up? A friendship locket of gun locker keys! You need both keys to open the gun locker and only true best friends can turn them at the same time. Perfect plan.

5) Who Is This Dam Lady?

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Who is this damn dam lady? She’s in charge now? Sure. Why not. She’s in charge now even though I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her before in my life. I forget everything that happened last half season. Probably because splitting a season in half for no good reason (seriously, there is no good reason to do it, I’m 90% positive they do it to balance quarterly ad revenues) makes it so you always forget minor details when it picks back up. Minor details like who literally everyone is and how they got there and why they’re doing what they’re doing.

6) Dueling Speeches

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WHICH HALF-ASSED SPEECH ABOUT LET’S ALL GET ALONG AM I SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO HERE? They both make such average and uninspiring points! I’m going to go with the guy who DOES NOT have a large scar on his brain. That thing does not inspire confidence.

7) Ophelia’s A Remorseless Killer, Which Lets Her Know She’s Salazar’s Daughter

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I laughed out loud when Opheelz realized she must be her father’s daughter because she was able to mercilessly slaughter strangers and feel no sympathy. MAYBE KEEP THAT REVELATION TO YOURSELF? Lady, you’re scaring us!

8) Something Tells Me This Guy Is About To Do Some Very Dumb Shit

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Ok, now who is THIS guy? Have we seen him before? He keeps talking about Gretchen, is she the spaz who loved smoking weed with zombie skulls? I forget all of it so fast. Anyway, he said more than two sentences and the camera focused on him so I have a feeling he’s about to do some very dumb shit.

9) This Guy Just Did Some Very Dumb Shit

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Surprise! This guy just did some very dumb shit. The failed lunchtime assassination heard ‘round the camp. How did nobody see this coming? His approach was the most suspect thing I’ve ever seen. With his hand fishing around his pocket like that, at best, it looked like he was trying to masturbate through his sweatshirt. That’s still a good reason to get the hell out of someone’s way and ask them to please reconsider whatever it is they think they’re doing.

10) Their Friendship Locket Of Gun Keys Is Already Over

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Hard to believe it’s only been twelve minutes since they made a lifelong pact that nothing would ever tear them apart thanks to their friendship gun key necklaces. Everybody hand over all your weapons to these people who just tried to kill you! This is how we keep everyone happy! And by that, I mean this is how we somehow make everyone hate each other more than they already do.

11) Troy’s Last Stand

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Troy. Good sir. May I have a moment of your time? What the fuck is your plan right now? I appreciate a good rambling conversation in the dark while waving a hatchet and loading a rifle as much as the next guy, but this is not a fight you can win. Then everyone jumps in and starts shooting everyone, but nobody dies. Troy’s not about to let a little thing like his hand is falling off the bone stop him from clutching a gun. And for what? This is so pointless. It’s almost like Troy is mentally unstable and in no way fit to be a part of this camp! If only there was some way to have seen this coming, like every single thing he’s ever done since the first scene we met him.

12) Nick Comes Clean About Murdering Troy’s Dad In The Face

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Have you guys seen Ozark on Netflix? Ozark on Netflix is really good! One of the strengths of the show is that characters just SAY STUFF right away instead of dragging it out for two seasons. I liked that Nick just told Troy about how he killed his dad all Ozark style! But kind of a weird time to do it considering Troy has a loaded gun pointed at Nick’s brain. Maybe compliment him on his shirt and tell him he has a smile that brightens any room. Then tell him about the time you scratched the back of his dad’s head with a bullet through his nose.

13) Water?! We Hardly Know Her!

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Everybody please form an ORDERLY LINE if you want free water or to throw a rock at this woman’s head. There’s enough water and rocks for everybody, but we all need to remain calm! I’m just as shocked as the next guy that asking a bunch of strangers to congregate over a scarce resource everyone needs to survive turned into chaos.

14) Troy’s Mommy Issues

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Anyone else getting some weird Troy mommy issue vibes with Madison? It’s weird! He needs her around to pack his desert lunchbox and tuck him into exile. But also, I think he wants to bang her. And I think she’s kind of letting him believe maybe she wants to bang him! Because maybe she wants to bang him? Get a room, you two! Except don’t, because YUCK. Get two rooms and then make sure they’re very far away and then stay out of each other’s rooms. This is a family show, but NOT THAT KIND OF FAMILY.

15) Troy’s Handy Work

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Nice work, Troy. You really showed him by STABBING YOUR HAND YET AGAIN just to kill him. Troy is the craziest dude on the show. He does not give a fuuuuuuck. Which brings me to my next point …

16) Why Did Madison Not Kill Troy’s Crazy Ass?

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MADISON CLARK! TROY EXPLICITLY SAID HE WILL NEVER SURRENDER! KILL HIM! He’s been given every chance over and over to not be crazy and he continues to be crazy. Pretty much the craziest! Do the right thing and put him out of his misery. Sometime in season 17 right after the All Out Troy storyline wraps up. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, WHICH IS ACTUALLY RIGHT NOW! I usually split these recaps up into two articles when they show two episodes on one night, but since the show blended the two episodes last night I’m going to do that now. FUN, RIGHT?!? We have a lot of fun around here. ON TO PART DOS!

17) Nick’s Tripping Out

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Nick is tripping out right now. Who knew that the craziest drugs in the world are inside of our brains just waiting to be unlocked by heat and dehydration! I’ve wasted tons of money on drugs over the years, I could just been sitting in my apartment not drinking water with the air conditioning off.

18) Waterless World

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The water is running dry, you guys! This is VERY SERIOUS. How are we supposed to fill the bong for Bible Study?

19) Everybody Hates Jake

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“But Jaaaaaake. I need more water for my horses and cows! My cow that makes ice cream needs extra water!” Shut up! Unless you’re using the extra water to water board yourself so you can’t talk anymore, PLEASE shut up. Also, horses on this show (and the other zombie show on the same channel I watch during different pats of the year) have a rich history of dying extremely awful deaths. Dying of dehydration wouldn’t even crack the top five.

20) The Last Action Hero(in Addict)

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The good plans continue! You guys are going to go very far with this one gun you just gave Nick. My only concern here is you’re going to accomplish too much.

21) This Gatekeeper Enjoys Her Job A Little Too Much

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My biggest pet peeve in life, and lord knows I’ve got more than just a few, are people who have almost no power except in one very specific place and they choose to hold that power over you in extremely shitty ways. Like this lady working the front gate at the Zombie Swap Meet. She likes her job a little too much and is being, for my taste, TOO GOSH DARN SASSY! Your sass is at a seventeen, please take it down to a gentleman’s three! Hey Madison, hand over your BIG AS FUCK ZACK MORRIS PHONE that you maybe should’ve concealed if you didn’t want to trade it. It’s the biggest fucking thing in the world, I don’t know how you thought she wouldn’t notice it. Way to drive a hard bargain saying it’s in no way for sale at all and then handing it over immediately. You are truly a master negotiator.


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I had to rewind to double check, but when they enter the Zombie Flea Market they’re playing “Negro y Azul” from Breaking Bad! It’s a really fun little nod to the show, I loved it. So to recap, the best thing this show has ever done is play a part of Breaking Bad in the background. That’s how fucking good Breaking Bad is.

23) Eyelid Tattoos Guy Is My New Favorite Character

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Is this man available to be my life coach? He’s getting eyeballs tattooed on his eyelids! Presumably so people can’t sneak up on him at night. They’ll be all, “Look, those are VERY CLEARLY not his eyeballs, but he was willing to get tattoos on his eyelids so let’s not fuck with him because he’s certainly insane.” The only perfect goddamn plan in this show that is actually perfect.

24) How Dumb Are These Guys?

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Fellas! I know you have your problems with your new roommates, but you can’t let stuff like leaving some dishes in the sink and taking all your guns push you to war! Mostly because THEY HAVE ALL YOUR GUNS. Don’t you remember yesterday when you were all killing each other? That was a dark time, maybe don’t go back to that. These people. They are very dumb people.

25) Taqa’s Rare Coin Collection

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How are coins still in any way valuable in the zombie apocalypse? Maybe you can use them to throw into a wishing well and wish for no zombies, but that’s about it! Also, it’s cute Taqa collects coins. Fucking adorable. And he keeps them in a thing that looks like the ooze containers from Ninja Turtles 2, my heart is gonna explode. Maybe trade her your baseball cards next! I’m sure she’ll give you an extra thousand galloons for the holographic Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card!

26) I Can Guarantee You Strand Is In The Wrong Here

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I don’t need to hear both sides of this story. Strand certainly deserves whatever fate he gets. OH SNAP! Shovel fight!

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Madison uses the classic “shovel ex machina” story telling device. Whenever you write yourself into a corner, have one character hit another character in the face with a shovel. That’s just good writing.

27) Water Wars

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A perfectly normal and reasonable reaction to hearing some incredibly serious and troubling news (like we’re all going to die because there’s no water) is everyone turn to your left and slap someone in the face then shove a woman, which is how folks seem to be handling things.

28) Nick’s In Charge

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I screamed. I actually screamed at my TV. Nick wasn’t even with this whole dumb plan to fight back against the people they’re supposed to be living with in peace. BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LIVING WITH THESE PEOPLE IN PEACE! But now he’s captain of the shitty plan. Showing someone you have a gun is the opposite of living with them in peace. Also, you have ONE SINGLE GUN. They have many guns. I didn’t go to any fancy gun college, but you don’t need a PhD in gun math to know many guns wins against one gun every time in a gun fight. Sound off in the comments if you were waiting for me to mention college.

29) Taqa’s Perfect Marketplace Disguise

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30) “Taqa’s Not A Talker"

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Strand delivers the greatest line in the history of this or any TV show. Flawless. Then he comforts Madison by asking her to nuzzle into his completely sweaty and disgusting armpit that’s been marinading under a silk shirt in the Mexican sun. What a pal.

31) Sticks And Stones Might Break Their Bones

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But guns will shoot you in the goddamn face and you’ll be dead. These people. The worst. You’re literally sharpening butter knives and going into a fight with assault rifles. If they all took out their dicks and had an actual pissing contest, it would be a better way to spend an afternoon.

32) Madison Traded Taqa’s Pogs To Free Strand

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Great plan, Madison! You were going to DEFINITELY get water for Taqa’s rare Pogs collection and now you’re going to MAYBE get water from the people at the dam who CERTAINLY hate Strand. There are TOO MANY PERFECT PLANS AT ONCE TO KEEP TRACK OF THEM ALL.

33) Hole-y Shit

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I have documented at great length that people onthe other zombie show on the same channel during different parts of the year FUCKING LOVE DIGGING HOLES. There’s no PlayStation in the zombie apocalypse, so digging holes is the next best thing I guess. It makes sense that digging a big-ass hole brought everyone together! Does it? I guess it does. I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t. But I am glad they decided not to murder each other on a hill. I’m sure this hole will keep the peace for nine hour. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Salazar be excited to see Strand at the dam? Yes! Because it means he can torture him. Will the new roommates finally learn to get along? Only if someone fesses up about who ate the last slice of pizza that was in the fridge. Will Troy disappear, never to be heard from again? NO FUCKING WAY, WE ARE STUCK WITH HIM FOREVER UNTIL SOMEONE PUTS HIM DOWN. Maybe Carol? Maybe Carol from the other show will show up in a dream and murder Troy, I believe she has it in her. None of this and more on S03E11 of Fear The Walking Dead!