Local Brooklyn Priest Can’t Get Any Decent Confessions Lately
Reminiscing about the times when sharing all your deepest secrets with a complete stranger actually meant something, local Brooklyn priest Armando Vazquez lamented how dull, boring, and painfully uninteresting the Sacrament of Penance had become in recent years.
The clergyman complained to The Groupie that ever since these hipster gentrifiers started moving into Williamsburg and other parts of the borough, confessions had taken a turn for the worse.
“It’s like they’re not even trying,” said Father Vazquez as he recalled countless people who just didn’t seem to get it. “I used to deal with muggers, swindlers, gangsters, drug dealers, murderers, rapists, you name it. I heard the most fucked up stories that you’ll ever hear. Like this one Dominican guy who choked his wife to death because he caught her fooling around with his father; or this single mom who liked to masturbate to gerbils. Those were real stories you know, with real people, full of passion and sin. Now the only thing I hear about is micro-aggressions and not being good enough to animals or the environment. It’s like Jesus Christ I’m sorry but these white people make me want to kill myself.”
He added that during his last session, he felt especially pathetic after he had to grant the holy absolution of the Church to a girl who was really sad because she cut the line at Whole Foods.