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November 04, 2015
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In the first two years of a child’s life, parents will spent approximately $18,000 to feed, clothe, and otherwise take care of a baby. Here’s where the money goes.

Having a baby these days is more expensive than it’s ever been. There is so much stuff new parents have to buy, and no expense is spared for the precious little bundle of joy. The costs add up really fast. Here’s where the money goes.

Baby polish: $50 a month. For the first year of life, the baby must be polished. (After that, it’s optional.)

Crawling lessons:$1,200.

Fur razors: $80. Most people don’t know this until they have a baby of their own, but babies are born completely covered in thick, grey fur. It must be removed with special, ultra-sensitive razors.

Baby monitor with 4K display and Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound and 100 TB DVR: $900.

Postpartum ultrasounds and sonograms: $3,000. Your pediatrician will need to make sure the baby is developing properly.

Bespoke baby suits: $3,000–$5,000.

Artisanal breast milk: $45 a gallon. That’s enough to last a baby for about three days. Less expensive, non-organic breast milks are available for as little as $30 a gallon.

Filling a three-bedroom house floor-to-ceiling with nontoxic, shock-absorbing protective foam: $4,000. Baby-proofing a home can be costly, not to mention time consuming.

Set of baby-size “mood masks” to teach baby the facial expressions that correlate to different emotions: $450.

Breaking a baby of its addiction to breast milk: $20 a day. Conventional medical wisdom recommends carefully weaning a baby off breast milk at around 18 months,a task achieved only with the help of lactodone.

Cosmetic surgery to remove unsightly baby fat on baby: $6,000.

Folic acid goiter removal: $500. Folic acid is vital to the baby’s development in the womb, although excess builds up as a goiter-like lump that manifests on the baby’s lower back. Surgical removal of the folic acid goiter is optional, although more than 95% of parents now choose to have it cut off by a doctor around week 10 of the baby’s life.

The Gerber Life Grow-Up Plan: $1. That insurance for babies you see advertised on TV builds cash value over time, and guarantees future insurability as an adult. It’s protection for just pennies a day.

Baby teeth installation: $40 per tooth.

Diapers: $70,000 (estimated). Your baby will go through about 10,000 diapers by the time they’re potty trained. That works out to being a staggering expense, but you can cut it in half if you buy a diaper factory in China and outsource all production there.

Life-size,professionally sculpted wax recreation of baby each week for first year of their life: $2,500.

Baby Tax: $150. FDR’s most controversial tax is still on the books.

Acid-free,archival-quality paper bags in which to store baby’s many shed layers of skin:$125.

Scarlet fever treatments: $1,000, plus $25 for a velveteen rabbit.

Board books, butt wipes, and stuff like that: $100.

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