Full Credits

Stats & Data

May 16, 2011

This didn't happen: The "Freaky Friday" star avoids jail time for theft by becoming a masked superhero.


In a surprising last-minute agreement, Lindsay Lohan has managed to avoid serving jail time for felony grand theft in exchange for agreeing to performing 1200 hours of community service in the course of the next two years. The actress and recording star must fulfill all 1200 hours by fighting crime as a costumed superhero in the greater Los Angeles area.

An anonymous source said that this agreement came as the result of Lohan telling Judge Stephanie Sautner she would “do anything” to avoid going to jail.

“Anything?” Judge Sautner reportedly replied with a mischievous grin and a raised eyebrow.

Lohan’s community service will be coordinated with the Los Angeles division of California’s Special Weapon Office for the Reduction of Delinquency (SWORD) which oversees official superhero activity in the State.

SWORD director Col. Flint Mayday said in a press conference today that the FREAKY FRIDAY star will have to go through the standard six-week training session, which will prepare her for unconventional crimefighting.

“The training is the greatest physical and mental challenge Lindsay is ever likely to have endured,” said Col. Mayday, “and considering the family she grew up in, that’s saying something.” Mayday assured reporters that Lohan will get no special treatment there and that the training period, which will begin the first week of June, will not be considered part of her community service.

“We will assess her abilities and natural talents during training, and her costumed persona and fighting specialty will be chosen based on her natural abilities,” said Mayday in response to a reporter’s question. “There is no way to determine what those abilities may turn out to be, especially when you consider that her only discernible skills so far are becoming shit-faced, getting caught stealing and whoring around Hollywood with whatever has a pulse.”

A number of current masked champions of justice have commented publically on the Lohan announcement.

The Mixmaster, who mostly deals with crime in Southern California club scene, welcomes Lohan to the hero’s fold.

“I think she’ll do just fine,” said the tall, fully-masked man with a turntable attached to his chest. “She’s quite young and spry, and clearly intelligent. Once she gets into shape and learns some Jujutsu and gymnastics and of course gives up the sauce and nose candy she should make a fine defender of the people.”

“If she can put aside the princess attitude, she may make it as a crimefighter,” said West Hollywood crimefighter Transman. “It takes dedication, patience and humility to do this successfully,” added the musclebound, bearded ballerina with a considerable bosom and thick makeup. “Whether or not she will be able to find those qualities within herself is a big question mark.”

Similarly, Burbank superhero Nekochan, who defends young girls against predators, is skeptical of the actress’s heroic potential.

“I slept with her once, and I found her to be selfish and lazy in bed,” said the diminutive young woman in a skin-tight pink-and-white catsuit and cowl. “She has a lot to prove.”

When asked what would make a good superhero character name for Lohan, Nekochan suggested “Kleptoslut,” adding that Lohan took home some earrings of hers after their sleepover that she has never returned.

The actress and her attorneys have thus far said nothing about these developments, but Lohan’s mother Dina commented via Twitter that Lindsay has always liked female superheroes such as Wonder Woman and Storm and that she would love to help her daughter design a costume, adding “when she can stop stealing, getting trashed and being passed around like a blunt at a Snoop Dogg concert, my sweet little girl will be ready to take the fight to the bad guys.”