Ladies, let’s face it. Men want a lady in the streets, and an animal in the sheets. So we talked to some of the leading zoologists about ways to spice up your love life. There are over eight million different species out there, so why stop at doggy style?
1. FORGET ABOUT NECKING! Instead let your man nudge your butt with his head like a giraffe until you pee and he drinks some of it to see if you’re fertile.
Giraffes have incredibly large necks, and not only that but their tongues can reach up to twenty inches. That’s a dangerous recipe for one hell of a hickey. But why stop there if we’re taking a page from the giraffe’s sex life? If you really want to steam up the bedroom then let your man come over and rub his head and neck all over your backside until you urinate and then let your hunk take a mouthful of that pee and swish it around in his mouth to see if you’re ready for a baby. Hot for him, a great method of birth control for you and you can save that trip to the bathroom!
According to Dr. Chazz Juniorstern* this is called the Flehmen sequence: “The male giraffe will drink the urine to see if the female is in heat, but it’s not actually a sealed deal yet. After that the male will pursue her as she looks for other competing males, almost as if she’s playing hard to get. Unless the female is very attracted to the male, in which case she might rub him with her neck in an attempt to get him to reciprocate and drink her urine.”
But ladies we shouldn’t follow all the rules of the animal kingdom! After all we’re humans, not giraffes. So don’t play hard to get. Your man needs to know he’s the one. Just let him drink your pee and leave the silly games behind!
2. LET HIM KNOW YOU’RE WORTH IT! Just like a macaque tell him that if he wants to see some skin he has to pay you in fresh fruit.
A little temptation can go a long way, and nothing tells a man they’re in charge like forcing them to give you fruit if they want to see your body. And FRESH fruit. Don’t let him get away with giving you bad fruit. If you only show him your body if he gives you fresh fruit it lets him know you’re worth it, and not just some floosy.
Dr. Kylzz Lincolnlog* says: “Yes, male macaques do use fresh fruit as a sort of bartering system for sex. If this behavior was enacted by humans we would definitely consider it prostitution. But this is only happening in the macaque communities.” Not anymore!
3. APPRECIATE YOUR MAN LIKE A RED VELVET MITE! When he makes an elaborate silk pathway that leads to a pool of his own semen sitting on the floor, THANK him for it.
There’s nothing more romantic than when your man gives you a red velvet cupcake. But this red velvet addition from the arachnid world mite give it a run for it’s money. If you’ve been gone on a business trip, I know you want to just get home and go to sleep, but let your man surprise you if he wants to create an elaborate silk path that leads all the way to a giant pool of his own sticky sperm sitting on the ground. Men love it when you play along with his games, so follow that path, sit on his pool of cum, and watch as he goes WILD.
Noted entomologist Dr. Julez Peabodyaward* told us all about this sexy practice: “A male red velvet mite will actually spend a huge amount of time creating a sort of hut made out of sticks, moss, and his own semen as a sort of adhesive. Inside of this hut will be large deposits of his own semen. The male will then create elaborate silk paths to entice and attract the female, that lead directly into the hut, and upon the female arriving she will sit on one of the various semen bubbles the male has created.”
Your man may not make you a house out of sticks, moss and cum, but if he’s willing to give you that silk and a huge pile of semen to sit in, that’s a sure sign that he’s a keeper.
4. ANGLIN’ FOR A WAY TO GET HIM TO STAY? Try the angler fish’s technique in the bedroom and let him bite you and then fuse to your body and share your nutrients until you both die.
Let’s face it ladies, men are hard to pin down, and so many of them have wandering eyes. That’s why the angler fish has got it figured out.While you two are getting hot and heavy in the bedroom let him bite you in the stomach until you fuse together, so his skin becomes your skin and your hot blood is literally coursing through his veins. Sometimes in the heat of passion you don’t know where you stop and he begins, and this is a way to make that happen literally.
Dr. Paulz JumangiTheGameNotTheMovie* from an aquarium we were at broke it down for us: “The female releases a pheromone in the water that attracts the male, who then literally fuses onto the female, providing sperm but receiving blood and nutrients in return. The male is actually a parasite.” Oh. We’ve all been there.
So this move might not be for the career oriented woman,because once you perform this steamy sex move you have to take care of him the rest of your life: feed him, clean him, carry him around wherever you go, and all he’ll give you is his sperm. But what else is new, am I right?
5. RELATIONSHIP A BIT FLAT? Pull a “flatworm.” Grow a penis, have a penis fencing match with your man for a couple of hours and then go hunting with that penis after you’re done.
Okay, ladies, so this one is a bit out there, but stay with me. While it’s certainly not for the meek, a great way to really get your man excited is to grow your own penis and use it as a sword to fence with his beefy member. Talk about foreplay… en garde! Fight with your respective penises for about an hour or so and then let him win to validate his masculinity and get impregnated (or for the REALLY adventurous, stab him with your own penis and impregnate him!)
Zoologist Dr. John Smith** said: “Oh yeah, those freaky little worms get down, that’s exactly what they do.”
And if you don’t want to end there, once you’re finished use your sharp penis as a hunting weapon. Nothing says I love you like a freshly killed rabbit you cooked up after you killed it with your new knife penis.
*Name has been changed to respect the privacy of those who spoke and also asked us to remove them once they found out what this article was about.
**Name has not been changed. We told him what the article was about and he was all about it. He’s a fucking FREAK.