My fondest memories of watching TV have always been lazy evenings in an easy chair, flipping on the tube, and being surprised by a new episode of Cheers. These days it’s all about the internet, Amazon Prime, and the Comedy Central app, apparently. And I think it’s all ruining television!

There are just too many hoops to jump through, too many choices, and I’m NEVER surprised by a new episode of Cheers. But the names of the channels are only one of many things happening to TV that is making it worse. Below are ## trends that are ruining TV.


1. Phone Screens Are Too Small To See Characters’ Funny Faces. Like Norm From Cheers’ Funny Faces, For Example.

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Half the time these new cable stations want you to download their app and watch shows on your damn phone screen. Whenever I do that, my eyes strain so much to see what kind of hilarious hang-dog face Norm is wearing, that I’ve got a headache before the episode is over and have to lie down in the quiet dark until it passes.


2. Without A Week Between New Episodes, It’s Impossible To Appreciate The Tension Of Complex Storylines. Like Sam And Diane’s Epic “Will They Or Won’t They?“

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This is Instant Gratification Culture at its most insidious. I come from a time when you denied yourself pleasure for fun. Millennials have no clue what it’s like to have to wait a week to know whether Diane would hop into bed with Sam or deny him for another week, and that’s probably why we have an INSURMOUNTABLE NATIONAL DEFICIT.


3. Commercial Free Viewing Gives Me No Time To Get Up And Get Beers To Slam Constantly While Watching Characters Slam Beers Constantly. Like They Do On Cheers.

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When I watch shows where characters are constantly smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, or telling secrets, I can’t help but join in. Without the built-in commercial breaks I can never get the timing right to get another beer from the fridge, which results in me being sober, which results in me having less fun watching TV.


4. Googling Makes Me Hate Cliff.

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This applies to non-Cheers shows too, maybe.

Some of the stuff Cliff comes up with, it’s like … what? But you love him anyway. With Google so handy, though, Cliff is clearly a fucking idiot. Easily proving other people are wrong is turning classic bar debates into races to prove that other people are fucking idiots which is DIVIDING THIS GREAT NATION.


5. Recommended Viewing Made Me Watch Shows Where Woody Wasn’t A Simple Lovable Idiot.

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In some of these movies he’s not even close to a simple lovable idiot! In fact, he was often a complicated and mean asshole in non-Cheers stuff. Accidentally watching Natural Born Killers made me only able to watch season one of Cheers for a whole year!


6. By Strategically Skipping The Lilith-Heavy Episodes, I Never Challenge My Chauvinistic View That An Intelligent, Opinionated, Independent Woman Can Also Be Mucho Sexy.

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Watching Cheers every week helped me become a better man precisely because I didn’t get to pick what episodes I wanted to watch. I had to sit down every Thursday at 9 p.m. and take my medicine. Even if it meant being strangely titillated at first, then finally falling head over heels in love with Lilith despite my warped, old-fashioned views.


7. Frasier’s Still A Horse’s Ass. And It’s Great!

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No matter how I watch TV, Frasier’s still gonna storm into Cheers and make a complete horse’s ass of himself. Not even the internet will change that, thank God.

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