Dear Glenn and Sarah,
Please confess your love for each other. I know that you’re both married with children and have “political” careers that could be shattered by such a scandal, but please, PLEASE confess your love.
We know you’ve been spending a lot of time together as of late. Your metaphoric matrimony “restored honor” by attempting to overshadow one of the most historic speeches in American history, then you honeymooned in Anchorage on 9/11 to remember the tragic events as geographically far away from Ground Zero as possible. It’s like a fairy tale.
Glenn, think about Sarah. Think about that look in her non-winking eye that sparkles with the misguided sense of social and political justice you adore. It’s winking for you. Think about the fact that you’re Mormon, so fuck it, you can have as many wives as you damn well please. Hell, if you really wanted, you could have Sarah Palin AND Jan Brewer to be your lawfully, woefully wedded wives (though that might be considered incest, as I’m somewhat convinced that Brewer is Palin’s senile mother).
Sarah, think about Glenn. Think about all the emotional instability you’ve missed by marrying Todd, a man who hides behind snowmobiling accolades and a goatee that says, “I could still bang younger chicks.” Glenn can be the public (and most certainly private) blubbering mess you’ve needed all along to create the illusion that you’re not a malfunctioning conservative automaton. Think of Glenn’s jowls. You could bury your face in them while you don’t sleep at night.
Think about your wedding. Instead of the socialist agenda of “love eternal”, your wedding theme could be “Don’t Tread on Us”. Think about how you wouldn’t send an invitation to the Obamas, then act like it was a mistake and claim, “Sorry, but we don’t have any more seats available at the election party… I mean reception.”
And if I can make one last plea, think about Paul’s words from Corinthians:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Now think about how if you replaced “love” with your future spouse’s name that the verse would be nothing but lies, and you’ll realize that you’re a match made in heaven.