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June 13, 2017

You know who I'm talking about.

The Mourner

This is that one friend who annoyingly and obnoxiously has to write “RIP” and offer their condolences every time a celebrity kicks the bucket. It doesn’t even matter which celebrity it is who bites the proverbial dust. I mean, I could understand shedding a tear or two over the passing of Don Rickles, Heath Ledger or Prince. But Bea Arthur, Abe Voggoda and Roger Ailes? Get out of town!

The Superstitious One

This is that one friend who stupidly shares everything, no matter how nonsensical or harebrained it is: “If you hate terminal illnesses share this”;“share this post immediately to save a puppy”; “share now, if you care about burn victims.” Or how about this one? “This is a test–how many friends truly care about me? Share, now!” (Please smother yourself with a pillow, now!)

The ‘Happy’ Couples

This is that one friend who persistently posts pictures of himself/herself smooching on his/her significant other. What do you people think, that we were born yesterday? We can see through your facade, through your thin veneer. You damn well know as well as we do that marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence–a death sentence. You’re stuck with that wasteful hunk of flesh you call your other half for life– you forgot to sign the prenup, remember?

The Narcissist

The narcissist is that one friend who only posts about himself/herself. The narcissist is so caught up in his own world and mediocrity that he rarely, if ever, likes your posts or comments on your threads. Hell, you’d be lucky if the narcissist so much as wishes you happy birthday once a year. Thanks a lot, you prick.

The Gamer

The gamer is a special kind of stupid. He/she spends all their time on Facebook not writing or commenting or saying anything witty or politically insightful. They just sit there, like a slab of meat, sending out game requests, bombarding our notification tabs with game requests. Generally speaking, this type of friend is usually a hermit. The gamer rarely ever leaves the house, and usually forages for food in the late-night hours, competing with bears, raccoons and smaller vermin.

The Truther

The truther is a special kind of stupid. They link articles to unverifiable news websites, touting the far-flung conspiracy theories contained therein as indisputable fact. Generally speaking, The truther believes 9/11, the Sandy Hook massacre and the death of Elvis Presley were all cover-ups, perpetuated by God knows whom for God knows what far-reaching harebrained purpose. Like every other aforementioned annoying Facebook friend the truther, too, suffers from a grave mental illness.

The Suicidal Friend

The suicidal friend is the one who has been threatening to kill himself since 2010. They’re the equivalent of those guys and girls that sit on the edge of buildings, amass huge crowd followings, yet never jump. Talk about drama queens!

Jack Bristow’s writing has most recently appeared in The Huffington Post, The Saturday Evening Post, Thrive Global and The Swamp. Follow him, @realjackbristow