Holidays ruin families. That’s why they were created. And your family has always depended on you to sabotage these supposedly joyful occasions. Thanksgiving is easy to turn to shit because no one eats for the first half of the day, but they start drinking at sunrise; Christmas is simple since it practically destroys itself. Easter is a bit trickier, but we’re here to help you ruin it. Just as your niece or nephew starts to frustratedly dig up the shallow graves of hidden plastic eggs, whisper one of the following things in their ear to totally ruin the day for everyone.

  • “That sucks how they always give your sister one more jelly bean than you.”
  • “Did you know the eggs are hollow because the baby Easter bunnies died?”
  • “Is the Easter Bunny just Jesus in a costume?”
  • “I liked grandma before she became a zombie.”
  • “Don’t worry, the Easter bunny comes in your room every night to watch over you while you sleep!”
  • “Why is he a bunny rabbit…but he lays eggs?”
  • “Don’t let them lie to you: the Easter bunny is a woman.”
  • “Ugh, Benghazi!”
  • “I can’t believe ‘Here Comes Peter Cottontail’ is actually a song about drugs!”
  • “Wow, did you paint this? Great job!” (Now eat the egg whole, shell intact, while maintaining eye contact. That’s a confusing trauma that will last you for years to come!)
  • While crying: “I just realized Jesus never got to have an Easter egg hunt!”
  • “That’s a really cute Easter basket that was woven by child slaves!”
  • “I like all of the colors you’re wearing.”
  • “Your mom’s not watching, she went inside with her real kids.”
  • “If you don’t find all your eggs, the Easter bunny won’t come back next year.”
  • “Do you really think finding all of these eggs is gonna fulfill you?”
  • “Isn’t it weird how Jesus isn’t real? Lol.”

Happy hunting!

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