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February 13, 2015
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Susan Feniger (chef and restaurateur of Mud Hen Tavern and Border Grill) walks you through six simple recipes you can prepare if you're eating alone on Valentine's Day.

Susan Feniger (chef and restaurateur of Mud Hen Tavern and Border Grill) offers six simple recipes you can prepare if you’re eating alone this Valentine’s Day.

Angry Eggs And Crack n Jack

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Nothing says “I don’t need to put my mouth near anyone tonight” like eating a bunch of eggs! Complement this spicy finger food with a bowlful of delicious Crack n Jack. A delightful snack to munch while you watch Hitch on basic cable alone for the third consecutive year in a row.

Angry Eggs

yield 1 quart filling/ 60 angry eggs

30 hard-cooked egg yolks
¾ cup mayonnaise
¼ cup Chinese chile garlic sauce
¼ cup aji amarillo pure
3 tbs dijon mustard
kosher salt to taste

*The egg yolks are taken from a 8-minute boiled egg. Cut the eggs in half and remove the yolks. Place the cooked whites in a hotel pan and set aside.

Place all the egg yolks in a food processor with other ingredients. Puree until smooth. Taste for salt and adjust if necessary.

Place the yolk mix in a piping bag with a star tip and refill the whites. Top with a dollop of green Sriracha and a sprinkle of reshampati chile powder.

Crack n Jack

Yield ½ sheet pan

10 cups popped popcorn

1.5 cups pretzels
1.25 cups roasted salted peanuts
1⁄4 lb unsalted butter, cut in cubes
1⁄2 box brown sugar
1⁄4 cup corn syrup
3⁄4 tsp kosher salt
1⁄4 tsp baking soda
1⁄4 tsp cayenne
8 tsp Jack Daniels (or well bourbon)

Preset the oven to 250°F

Spray a large bowl and a rubber spatula to get ready. Also, spray a large sheet pan, top with parchment, and spray again. Set aside.

Place the popcorn, pretzels, and peanuts in the bowl and stir. In a small saucepot heat the butter, brown sugar, and corn syrup until thick and bubbling. You might have to stir once or twice. The bubbles will move slowly and it will look thick when it’s ready.

Turn off the heat and add the salt, baking soda, and cayenne all at once. Stir and then immediately pour in the Jack. (be careful, it may splatter at this point). Continue to stir until it stops bubbling.

Pour over the popcorn mix in the bowl and with the rubber spatula, stir until all the popcorn mix in

Pour over the popcorn mix in the bowl and with the rubber spatula, stir until all the popcorn mix is thoroughly coated.

Pour onto the sheet pan and spread out so it is evenly distributed. Bake in the oven for 20 minutes and then stir and bake for another 20 minutes. Stir and bake for 20 minutes more.

Remove and let cool at room temperature and it will harden. After it cools and hardens you can put it in an airtight container.

Beef Jerky And Dill Pickles

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Fill the void in your life with more snacks! This succulent homemade jerky recipe will make sure your meat isn’t as dry as your romantic prospects. Balance it out with a plate of pickles — another menu item that’s perfect for when you know you won’t have to kiss someone. Crack your favorite beer open, you earned it? You didn’t earn it, but still crack open your favorite beer; it goes great with this plate.

Beef Jerky Marinade

(this recipe is for flank steak)

9 tbs vegan Worcestershire
9 tbs soy sauce
5 tsp honey, warm
1⁄2 tbs cracked black pepper (NOT ground, from pepper mill — bigger)
1⁄2 tbs onion powder
1/5 tsp liquid smoke
1 tsp red pepper flake
6 tbs Pepsi

Mix all together

Marinate flank steak overnight. Dehydrate according to machine’s instructions.

Dill Pickles

1 lb cucumber spears (each one cut in 4), wash them well first
4 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
1/3 cup dill sprigs, large stems removed, but not chopped
1 tsp whole black peppercorn
1 tsp yellow mustard seeds
1/3 tsp red pepper flake
4 tsp +1 tbs kosher salt
1 1/3 cups hot tap water
1 1/3 cups cold tap water

Make sure the jar has been run through the dishwasher so it is clean and sanitized, otherwise the pickles will mold instead of ferment.

Place the cucumbers, garlic, dill, black pepper, red pepper, and mustard seeds in a bowl and mix well until the cucumbers are evenly mixed with the spices.

Pack the cucumbers and all the spices into the mason jar and push them down so they are as low in the jar as possible.

Dissolve all the salt in the hot tap water first, stirring until it all dissolves. Add the cold tap water and stir well. Pour over the cucumbers in the jar. After the jar is filled, try to push the cucumbers down more so they are entirely submerged. (They will continue to sink as they soften).

Cover with one of the linen (white with red stripe) cloths and rubberband it together. The jar should be placed at room temperature on the panini station for 3 days. After that it can be refrigerated.

Drink A Bottle Of Bourbon

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If eating snack food while you watch bad movies doesn’t numb the pain, consider drinking some bourbon. Alcohol is proven to make good things better and awful things slightly more manageable. Except when it doesn’t. Don’t have shot glasses? Who cares! Drink it straight from the bottle. We’re not fancy here.

One Bottle Of Bourbon

1 bottle of bourbon
4 shot glasses (if feeling fancy)

Pour the bourbon into a shot glass

Drink

Repeat until life seems worth living or you fall asleep watching reruns of Shark Tank

Hamburger With Fried Egg And Bacon

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More eggs and pickles! Again, you’re not even talking to anyone this evening so breath should be the furthest thing from your mind. A fried egg makes everything better, and your crippling loneliness is no exception. Keep your fingers clear of the knife as you cut your tomatoes and onions. It may seem impossible to believe right now, but you might still need that ring finger one day.

Hamburger With Fried Egg And Bacon

Burger meat
Stuff that goes on a burger
Egg
Bacon

This isn’t rocket science

Just make a hamburger and put an egg and some bacon on top of it

If you can’t do this, maybe it’s time to take a look in the mirror and reevaluate some things

Frozen Pizza Pockets And Chocolate Milk

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Relive the good old days of college when you were surviving off frozen food and could still convince someone to see your naked body once in a while. Scalding-hot cheese, sugar milk, and enough sodium to kill horse. Also, maybe get really stoned before you eat this. Like really, really, REALLY stoned. It can’t hurt.

Frozen Pizza Pockets And Chocolate Milk

1 box of frozen pizza pockets
1 gallon of chocolate milk
1 bottle of extra virgin olive oil

Preheat oven to 350° F

Remove frozen pizza pockets from the box and discard all wrappers

Place pizza pockets in a skillet

Lightly drizzle with olive oil

Bake for 30 minutes, make sure pizza pockets are cooked all the way through

Bet you never made a pizza pocket in the oven with some olive oil

Serve with a tall glass of cold chocolate milk

Chew On The Regret Of A Lifetime Of Mistakes

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Stare an an empty plate and chew on all the mistakes you made over the years that led you to this point. Did you have to say those hurtful things? Were you ever truly open to loving someone? Open to being loved? Open to overlooking all the annoying shit someone does in the interest of long-term companionship? You’re eating alone on Valentine’s Day right now — clearly you have a few errors on your scoreboard. This is dark. Like, really dark. You don’t even have some friends you can hang out with? Maybe make it a goal to never let this happen again.

Chew On The Regret Of A Lifetime Of Mistakes

1 empty plate
1 lifetime of mistakes

The chewing is a metaphor; you don’t actually have to make chewing motions with your mouth.

Wait! We can’t end on such a bummer. How do we save this…

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Yay! All better. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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