Air travel is more complicated than ever before. So to make things easier, and yet even more complicated for you, we compiled a list of 10 real, actually useful air travel tips and 40 fake, utterly useless travel tips. We’re not telling you which is which, either — that’s for you to figure out.
1. Bring a fan and point it toward the back of the plane so it goes faster.
2. Avoid having to buckle your seatbelt by wearing a seatbelt as a belt.
3. Tuesday night is usually the cheapest day of the week to fly.
4. Get super high before going to the airport. This will help you be scared the whole time.
5. Spend $250,000 and eight years in medical school just so you can feel super cool in case someone ever shouts, “Is there a doctor on the plane?“
6. It’s never rude to let the people sitting beside you know that you would like to fuck.
7. Wear swim trunks in case of a water landing.
8. If you guess the pilot’s first name, he has to let you fly the plane for 20 minutes.
9. You’re allowed to bring mini liquor bottles in your carry-on.
10. The emergency exit seats have even more legroom if you open the door and stick your feet outside.
11. The air in the cabin isn’t humidified, upping your chances of dehydration, so be sure to drink a ton of water during your flight.
12. Sometimes the available seats listed online are not entirely accurate, but you can call the airline to ask for a seat specifically.
13. To avoid paying a fee for an additional packed bag, just give the person working the ticket counter a real stern look and cough up some blood.
14. If you’re looking for a snack, the second-to-last overhead bin is always filled with loose peanut M&M’s.
15. That whole "turn off all portable electronic devices” thing is just a bullshit hoax to make you miss watching those sweet, sweet Twitter faves rack up.
16. Don’t take your dog because not one dog has ever actually survived a flight.
17. Slip-on shoes make going through security a breeze, but going barefoot all together makes it even quicker.
18. Packing a simple pair of ear plugs will block out the noise of both jet engines and screaming babies.
19. If you lie and say you’re prepared to help in the event of an emergency while seated in an exit row, when an emergency happens, just scream and scream and it will probably work out.
20. You can’t smoke on planes, but you can — and should — vape as much peyote as you like.
21. Recline your seat. If they make the seats do that, then why shouldn’t you? Fuck that dickhead behind you—you know he’s reclining his seat, too.
22. If you are over 6’ you shouldn’t be riding on planes, sorry.
23. If you spot a celebrity on the plane, it’s OK to ask them to switch seats with whosoever sitting next to you.
24. 80% of the time those clouds outside your window are actually just a video on loop, so save your awe for something cooler, like in-flight magazines.
25. If you cry loudly and maniacally enough when you miss your flight to JFK, they’ll book you the soonest flight to Newark, NJ.
26. If you are a baby and you cry the entire time your mom will finally hold you.
27. If you fly Virgin, Seat 22B gets porn.
28. If you raise your window shade halfway, that means you’re DTF.
29. If you’re looking to take a nap during your flight, rather than leaning back, try bringing a pillow to fold up and put on your tray table, and then lean forward on top of it.
30. Only swallow a condom of cocaine if the drug lords are covering your flight.
31. You don’t need to be a celebrity to fly First Class — you can also get the upgrade by paying a lot of money for it.
32. Forget your neck pillow? For a quick fix, take off your shirt and pants, roll them up, and stick them behind your head.
33. When you board, stare down the lead flight attendant and make yourself look very tall, this will let them know you are an Alpha Passenger and you deserve premium service.
34. Everyone knows the TSA has a secret plain-clothes agent on most flights but did you know the officer could be you? If you have a gun on you, hopefully that’s the case.
35. Your chances of feeling jet lag are 20% lower if you fly completely soaking wet.
36. In an emergency, hand the controls to the ladies: Post-pubescent women naturally know how to land most types of airplanes.
37. If you pretend to be asleep when they serve food, you can demand double servings when you "wake up.”
38. Metal replacement hip holding you up at security? Ask your doctor to switch it out with a porcelain hip instead.
39. To make fast friends with the person sitting next to you, yell in their ear about all the tofu you have in your bag and then sneeze on their face.
40. If it doesn’t seem like the rest of the passengers are having fun, stand up and start doing impressions of the flight attendants.
41. If you aren’t sure, simply ask the flight attendant where this plane’s Mile High Club meets.
42. Most pilots are flattered by a deep, post-flight kiss of gratitude.
43. When choosing an airline loyalty program, know that both United and American will allow you to spend your frequent flyer miles at any “topless only” strip club.
44. If you grab as many blankets as you can on your way to your seat, then hand them out to people later on, you can become that plane’s “Blanket Guy.”
45. If you ask the flight attendant for an “Upside Down V8,” the pilot will make the plane do a barrel roll.
46. If you offer the person sitting next to you $100 to shut the fuck up for the rest of the flight, 9 out 10 times they will happily take it.
47. Bring an empty water bottle with you so you can fill it up when you get past security.
48. The vomit bags provided for you also make great stationary for love letters to your sweetheart.
49. If you get to the airport with barely enough time to make your plane and you act like you are in a panic they will rush you through security and you wont have to deal with any of those dumb lines.
50. If you’re held up on the runway, yelling things like, “I’m gonna fucking lose it,” is a nice way to let everyone know you are personally ready for the plane to take off.