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Stats & Data

September 20, 2017

Ever wonder what went on behind the scenes with the Trump contingent on election night? New revelations reveal the story for the first time!

I figured that since my CEO is making about 140 times more an hour than me, I’d try to even things out a little by actually leaving work on time and checking in on my buddy Dickie at the bar. He was at his usual seat, paper in one hand while watching a bit of the news.

“What’s the world up to these days?” I asked.

“Big news. One of the biggest sources of news, Wikileaks, has just released the actual transcripts from Trump Tower the night of his election. Evidently Trump was right; Obama was wire tapping his phones.”

“Wow, that’s a big story,” I noted. “If you can’t trust Wikileaks, who can you trust? What’s the big revelation?”

“Let me read you the transcript. I’ll play all parts.”

Priebus: Sir, the numbers are in and it looks like you won.

Trump: You’re shitting me. You mean there are that many hillbillies out there?

Priebus: Well sir, it also looks like your message also resonated with many others who felt dis-affected and dis-associated with the Washington crowd. They considered Hillary part of the establishment.

Trump: Dis-what?

Priebus: Dis-associated. Lots of people think Washington and government is evil. Plus a lot of people vote party ticket no matter how screwy the candidate. Er, I mean they are stoutly against liberal, elitist, socialistic policies.

Trump: Yeah, those rich bastards. Steve, great job. All that ‘drain the swamp’ crap paid off. Now get me the names of every executive who contributed to the campaign, who said nice things about and who I can beat at golf. They’re going to need jobs.

Bannon: Already on it sir. Goldman Sachs has a bunch of ex-employees waiting for the next banking cycle.

Priebus: Sir, we also need to remember that we need to touch base with other Republicans. There are some we’re going to need their help on to get things done.

Trump and Bannon together: Fuck ‘em.

Trump: Hey I beat them all. There must have been 15 of those idiots on stage during the debates. What were their names again?

Bannon: Lyin’ Ted, Little Marco, Slippery Mitch and Sad Man Rand.

Trump: Yeah that’s it. I made up that last one. He always looks like he never gets laid.

Priebus: But sir, we might need some of them to get legislation passed.

Trump: You mean I can’t just do executive orders like Obama?

Priebus: Well you can, but there may be other things we need….

Bannon: Rance, or Lance, or whatever the hell you’re name is, President Trump didn’t need them to win the election and he doesn’t need them now.

Trump: Damn right. We’ll do this on our own. Can we make it so we only need 25 votes to get legislation passed?

Priebus: Sir, that may be pressing things. Maybe we can just change the rules to 51 votes. And we can always gerrymander districts with our new databases so we get at least a slight majority.

Trump: Wow. See, that’s why I changed to being a Republican; they do everything better than the Democrats. And they would have never come up with a great slogan like Make America Great Again. What was their’s; Love Will Keep Us Together?

Bannon: Something like that, Mr. President I told you, that inclusive, diversity crap never wins anything.

Trump: That’s right. Real Americans like strength, power and money. And you also got to give them somebody to hate. God I love mass marketing. When’s our next rally?

Priebus. Er, sir, the other thing we’ll need to address is cabinet posts…

Trump: You guys are all in for big jobs; loyalty is my thing. You’re not going to have to worry about anything for eight years. What else do we need?

Priebus: Well, besides your golfing partners, we’re going to have to consider both Jeff Sessions and Mike Flynn for positions. They’ve been important to our success.

Trump: Have you ever noticed how Sessions looks like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies? Anyway, he’s tough on crime, tough on immigration. Good southern Alabama Baptist, so we have a lot in common. Ha. Plus, I hear he’s loyal to a fault. Let’s make him Attorney General. Could come in handy.

Priebus: About Flynn sir?

Trump: I love those Generals. Would have been one myself if it wasn’t for these darn flat feet. Think I’ll make him head of all armed services, kind of like my own Roman general.

Priebus: Excuse me sir, but he was let go by Obama for treating people badly.

Trump: And…..

Priebus: Well he also could be a liability because he’s been working with the Russians for some time.

Trump: And….

Priebus: And we’re afraid that some of those meetings could look bad.

Trump: Not a chance. In fact, my supporters will be glad Russia helped me win the election. They hate the liberals more than they hate the Russkies.

Bannon: We also talked about killing the EPA and the State Department. As a thought, Scott Pruitt has sued the EPA about 20 times for smog, lead and mercury regulations.

Trump: Is he for that stuff or against it?

Bannon: For it.

Trump: Perfect. He’s in. If we’re going to compete with China, we need the same environmental regulations as China. What about the State Department? What do they do?

Priebus: They try to negotiate peace all around the world.

Trump: Yeah, right. Put in a guy who looks good, can go to meetings, sounds official, but doesn’t do anything else. Maybe we can get everyone there to quit. I’ll tell the world what to do.

Bannon: Actually Rex Tillerson is available.

Trump: Perfect. I can beat him at golf and he’s friends with every oil executive in the country. Plus, he has really good etiquette. Will look great at those stupid dinners.

Bannon: Sir, you also need to remember that you made a number of promises to our ‘core’ group, so we need to make sure we’re sending messages to your voting base to let them know what you’re going to do when you get into office.

Trump: What did I say?

Bannon: Build a wall, Mexico pays. New, great health care system with more choices and lower costs. Revise the entire tax code everyone pays less, the deficit goes down and we the can build a whole lot more ships. Get out of the United Nations. Dissolve all trade agreements. Bomb the terrorists with fury and power, power and fury. Open up the coal mines. Invest in infrastructure. Help the people in the inner cities. Get rid of all illegal immigrants. Help the veterans. Improve farming. Build great new airports. Stand up to China. Be pals with the Russians. Move the American embassy in Israel to Jerusalem.

Trump: Christ, I said all that? No wonder they voted for me. Ok, write it up.

Priebus: Sir, if I may, that sounds a bit premature. I think you need to explain your vision for to make America Great Again first in a broader sense.

Trump: Ok, here’s my vision: whatever Obama did, I’m against it.

Bannon: Also, Mr. President, we need to remember the support we got from the NRA, the Tea Party and the religious right.

Trump: You’re right. I love those people. What religion did I say I was?

Priebus: You’re a Presbyterian, sir. Your favorite book is the Bible. Right in front of that book that the fellow ghost-wrote for you.

Trump: Oh yeah, right. Presbyterian. That Jesus was a helluva guy. He’d have loved me. What about the gun guys. What do we do for them?

Bannon: Well, they just want to sell more guns like good patriots eveywhere, so we should be good there. In fact, I suspect they were kind of pulling for Hillary. But when you talk to them, they really like the Charlton Heston ‘cold dead hands’ thing. Plus we can always bring up the fact that every Democrat in the country is dedicated to taking their guns away and making them plant flowers.

Trump: Yeah, that was a good one. Probably got me a quarter of the vote. Sign me up to speak at their conference. Don’t allow them to bring any guns in though. Those people are nuts. Did I ever tell you my boys have both killed wild elephants?

Ivanka (entering): Daddy, congratulations on being President, but what am I going to do? I’m tired running worldwide successful businesses. Can I be a an ambassador, or maybe head the FBI?

Trump: Sweetie, how about a major, big-time, hottie advisor? New wardrobe. Lots of dinners. You’ll look great…“

Ivanka: I won’t have to live in that dump of a White House will I? You know they have ceramic toilets. Plus, I’d really to just float around and tell people what to do. How about the treasury department? I think I’d be good at that.

Trump: Ivanka honey, you’ll look great no matter what, and believe me, you’ll be successful, no matter what. I’ll make sure.

Ivanka: But what about Jared?

Trump: Oh Christ. I forgot about him. How about we let him negotiate peace in the middle east. That should keep him busy. Plus God knows he can’t fuck that up any more than it is already.

Ivanka: What about Ashlee? She’s going to feel bad if we don’t make her something…

Trump: Who? Christ that girl takes after her mom. How about if we make her the head of something we don’t give a shit about, like Housing and Urban Development.

Priebus: Sir, you promised that to Ben Carson.

Trump: Oh Christ, him. Yeah I’ll need a black guy. Might as well make it a department nobody cares about.

Melania: Oh, Donald, remember Barron..

Trump: How about head of Child and Human Services?

Melania: But he’s only ten; I was talking about making sure you kissed him goodnight.

Trump: Yes dear, of course. To Priebus: (Does she know she only has four years left on her contract? She’s looking a little rough..)

Jared (stepping out from behind Ivanka): Sir, Dad, if I may….

Trump: Christ, he actually talks. Yes Jared, what can I do for you?

Jared: I was thinking that maybe besides brokering for peace in the middle east, I could also lead the country on innovating things, solving the opiod crisis and information technology. I’ve already conquered real estate and publishing.

Trump: Sure, what the hell. Didn’t you used to be a Democrat?

Jared: Sir, Dad, we all were Democrats.

Bannon: Sir, I really think we need to talk about coal too; you promised those people a lot of jobs.

Trump: What exactly did I tell those people?

Bannon: That you were going to eliminate all clean air standards and defund wind and solar power initiatives, so they could go back working in the coal mines.

Trump: Christ, they bought into that? Jesus, they must be hard up. Ok, write this down; I’ll do an executive order so a company can dump crap into their water systems so they’ll see I mean business when their rivers go back to being sludge. Ha. Just kidding.

Eric: Dad, what about me? I met with Russians too. Can I be ambassador to Hawaii?

Trump: No, dammit. I need a front when I tell everyone I’m out of the business. You and Donald can act important, gel your hair and tell everyone you’re running the businesses. It’ll be great. You’ll get laid a lot.

Eric and Donald: Dad, we’re married.

Trump: Yeah, I forgot. Didn’t I tell you how great it is to be a celebrity? Also, don’t take this heading the business thing too seriously. I’m not sure how long this deal is going to last. Anything else?

Priebus: One more thing sir, before you give your acceptance address….

Trump: Boy, I’ll bet Hillary is shitting herself…

Priebus: Well, down the line, we’ll have to bring you up to speed on foreign relations. We’ll need to cement our partnerships with the rest of the world.

Trump: Yeah, right. Here’s my foreign policy; you’re all assholes and you’re on your own unless you pay us off. And if you screw with us, I’ll blow you up.

Bannon: Perfect!

Priebus: We may have to clean that up a bit sir.

Ivanka: Daddy, I’m bored. Can we go?

Melania: What contract?