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August 20, 2015
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Actor/Muscle Man Channing Tatum has adopted a horse named "Smoke." It's a great gesture by a great man. But what about the horses he didn't adopt?

Actor/Muscle Man Channing Tatum has adopted a horse named “Smoke.” It’s a great gesture by a great man. But what about the horses he didn’t adopt? What’d they do to get him so riled up?

Chief

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This asshole horse trots around the stable like it owns the goddamn place, and coincidentally it does. Chief earned his name through hard work and a series of escalating business titles. Nevertheless, best to avoid a power struggle between Chief and Channing.


Poncho

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On the surface this seems like the perfect horse for Channing but is blind and deaf and makes Channing sad. And when Channing gets sad, Channing gets mad. Sorry, Poncho.


Chester

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Can anticipate storms and earthquakes, something Channing takes pride in doing himself.


Big Mike

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Self-Explanatory.


Jazz

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We know what you’re thinking: “This horse, I bet he plays the saxophone.” Don’t be so presumptuous. SHE plays the trumpet and knows Wynton Marsalis.


Maggie May

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Is actually a large donkey.


Ronald

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Also a large donkey. We think at this point, Channing wandered off and was just pointing at things and saying “I don’t like that for my house” and “These beautiful dogs don’t understand me.”


This Pile Of Carrots

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This was technically referred to by Channing as “The Best Horse He’s Ever Seen Hands Down I Want This Horse Give Me This Horse.” Of course, Channing could not adopt this horse. This horse is a pile of carrots. It is still seeking a home.


Big Mike

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Channing had a change a heart and adopted Big Mike, letting bygones be bygones and also getting rid of Smoke. The two best friends now live in Burbank with Jonah Hill.

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