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August 29, 2012

This is the eleventh edition of Drunk Girl/High Guy Cultural Reviews wherein Sarah gets really drunk, Noah gets really high and then they go to an event and write about their vastly different experiences. You can read more of Sarah's writing on her blog and more of Noah's writing on his blog. Here, they go to weird theme-park-restaurant Medieval Times.

This is the eleventh edition of Drunk Girl/High Guy Cultural Reviews wherein Sarah gets really drunk, Noah gets really high and then they go to an event and write about their vastly different experiences. You can read more of Sarah's writing on her blog and more of Noah's writing on his blog. Here, they go to weird theme-park-restaurant Medieval Times.


How We Decided To Go

Sarah: Noah is here in LA for a few weeks, so we decided to do something really special for our reunion. You know, the type of thing you’d do for a golden, well, silver, eh, more like paper anniversary. Actually, is there such a thing as a styrofoam anniversary? That’s the level of specialness we were aiming for. It technically is our paper anniversary, actually. One year ago, more or less, we had our first Drunk Girl/High Guy at the WNBA game in Newark, New Jersey. So, to properly honor all of the bad decisions we’ve made since then, we decided to go to Medieval Times in Buena Park, CA.  

I’ve always wanted to go to Medieval Times, but never got around to it. For one, in New York you have to drive to JERSEY and here it’s an hour drive away, so I wasn’t about to organize a trip unless it was for something extremely important and meaningful like DG/HG. The pictures people post of their time there look like fun, if you consider wearing crowns, eating with your hands and drinking booze from novelty cups “fun,” which of course I totally do. And there’s so much pageantry! I frickin LOVE pageantry. So I was excited. I asked my friend TJ to be our chaperon. TJ has been to Medieval Times, in his words, “At least 4 times, maybe 6, which is especially awesome since I’ve only lived in LA for three and a half years.” Yes…especially awesome indeed.

Noah: It wasn’t until recently that I found out Medieval Times was a real thing. I had always thought it was just a fake thing from The Cable Guy. I have no idea how I managed to not know about it for so long. I actually have that problem a lot. I sometimes just don’t know certain things that I should. For example, just this past month, I learned that B Boy doesn’t mean Bitch Boy. I also for a significant number of days thought the movie, The Artist, was about Prince. But, now I know that B Boys are, like, rap dancers or something, The Artist is about a dog that can’t talk, and Medieval Times is a real place you can go to that seems like a fucking nightmare.

When I arrived in L.A., Sarah immediately suggested Medieval Times as a Drunk Girl / High Guy idea. It sounded like a terrible idea, which in terms of Drunk Girl / High Guy means it’s a WONDERFUL IDEA. I told her I was on board. I then got even more on board when she told me TJ was coming. TJ is great, you guys. The first time I met TJ, I was at a bar where you’re allowed to eat peanuts and throw the shells on the floor. It’s a total Fuck-You-Dad place. But my friend, Joe, and I were sitting there and FUCKING NO ONE WAS GIVING US PEANUTS. We sat there for ten minutes complaining like little Jewy shits about how nobody was coming to the table to give us peanuts. Then Sarah and TJ walked in. TJ walked right over to the bar, grabbed a basket of peanuts, and brought them to our table. TJ knows what’s up is what I’m trying to say. But also, TJ has been to Medieval Times like 6 times, so maybe he’s just a dumb fucking asshole. It’s a toss up.


How Sarah Got Drunk

We went over to TJ’s friends house for some beers ‘n weed. I decided to shotgun a few beers because I realized that I’ve never shotgunned a beer before. How had I LIVED let alone gone to college?? Spoiler: It’s super fun.  In addition to having potted weed plants (ahhhhhhhhh get it??) TJ’s friend has a chicken named Clucky. We tried to hypnotize it because I had seen a video of Werner Herzog getting interviewed where he says that it’s very easy to hypnotize a chicken.  And it is. It’s crazy easy to hypnotize a chicken. You just draw a line of chalk on the ground and the chicken stares at it, transfixed, for about 30 seconds. Run, don’t walk, to the closest chicken and see for yourself! But shotgun some beers first. Ugh, it’s so fun. 



How Noah Got High

I got so high at TJ’s’s friend's place out of a tiny pipe I bought on Venice Beach for $5 dollars. Sarah then asked me a number of questions to which all of the answers were a very obvious “yes”. Do you wanna watch me shotgun a beer? Yes. Do you want to watch me shotgun another beer? Yes. Do you want a slice of this mushroom pizza that’s been sitting out since last night? Yes. Do you want to hypnotize this chicken? Fucking yeah, yes, no duh. Anyway, blah blah blah, other stuff, Sarah sucks at hypnotizing chickens. The chicken and I looked at each other and bonded. I wanted to touch him. I chased him around the yard for, I don’t know, a year and half? Time was being weird. Finally TJ  just picked up the chicken –- you know, ‘cause he knows what’s up – and I pet him. Guess what? Chickens are so soft!  


Sarah: In my defense, a few days before, TJ and I had hypnotized Clucky 3 times. I swear. For some reason it didn’t work when Noah came over so, clearly, Clucky had, in the meantime, somehow gotten a larger brain like the sharks in Deep Blue Sea and was on to our tricks. Watch out, Samuel L. Jackson!


How We Got There

Sarah: TJ, being the chaperon, drove us. Nothing much happened on the ride except TJ and Noah talking about deodorants. This was only interesting because I had NO IDEA that Old Spice made deodorants with names like “After Hours” and “Swagger.” Old Spice, when did you go all Axe Body Spray on me? That must mean that if reputable companies like Old Spice have those douchey names Axe must have names like “Black Light” and “Come On My Back.” (Sorry). Hey, did you know Axe makes stuff for the ladies now? FINALLY!!


Noah also revealed that he used spray on deodorant and that when he was in college he spent hours drawing the Degree logo on his computer. So you know what? I guess a lot happened on the drive!  I’m sorry for suggesting otherwise! I also took this photo of super stoned Noah. He looks like a little stoned angel from heaven.  


Noah: Drawing that Degree logo on Microsoft Paint was a weird time in my life. I was a freshman in college, my girlfriend lived so far away, and I was wearing  mock turtlenecks as undershirts sometimes. I also got really good at minesweeper during that era. I beat expert mode in 89 seconds. Now I have a diploma. Emerson Lions RAWRRRRR! Flash forward ten years later, I arrived at Medieval Times so high on drugs.


Medieval Times 

Sarah: Here’s the reason I suspect that I avoided Medieval Times all these years, despite my love of pageantry, etc. It’s fairly overwhelming. There are SO MANY people there. And it’s all wasted bachelor party dudes or tiny children running around, so you should really go in with some sort of altered state of mind otherwise it’s kind of like, “Fuck you, America.” But, honestly, I’m not complaining. I mean, the first thing that happens once you pick up your tickets is that a kindly, sort of saucy teenager in a wench costume places a paper crown on your head and gives you your designated knight’s flag (GO BLUE KNIGHT!) and then you’re ushered into the bar area. So what’s the fucking problem? THERE IS NONE.

So, like The Cable Guy has taught us, the waiter came by and informed us that we’d be eating with our hands, but if we wanted Pepsi we should turn our cups sideways as a signal to him. But if we wanted water we turned our cups upside down, and if we wanted iced tea we had to wink three times and balance our cups on a 45 degree angle. Or at least that's what I drunkenly gathered. I was sort of disappointed, I would have liked beaten up metal pitchers of mead or spiced wine or GROG. I would have fucking LOVED some grog. But, again. Crowns, beers, Pepsi if I wanted it, squires and knights! No worries here!


We were cheering for the Blue Knight. He was HANDSOME and did aiiiight, I’d say he was maybe fourth best. But he certainly didn’t suck as much as the Red Knight. Woof. When people were chanting for the Yellow Knight it sounded like they were chanting “Sarah!” “Sarah!” I don’t know, I was drunk, but it was pretty great.

So at Medieval Times, for those of you who have not been, you watch Knights joust and fight, but there’s also a loose storyline, acted out by a King, the King’s advisor and The Princess. TJ informed us that the story we witnessed was different from the one when he was there last. Good Old T “Medieval Times” J.  So they speak in English accents and say things like, “Father, these knights are brave, all.” “Yes, daughter, we shall watch the proceedings with the greatest of amusement. But first! Birthdays!” and they read off a list of birthdays, “Happy 28th Birthday to Sir Roberto Valdez! Happy 6th birthday to Lady Shania Twain!” (Shania Twain wasn't there, I just couldn't think of a good fake name). There were two couples there for their anniversary and the Princess was all, “What are YOU doing here?” and we laughed. Then for the second couple the King was like, “Don’t you have something BETTER to do?” And we were like, “Kiii-iiiing-ah.”

Here is our meal:


There was a MASTER FALCONER, who, when he was announced, made me and Noah giggle. Because Master Falconer. Ha! Let me tell you, though, the way that Master handled that falcon was very masterful. 

There was a part in the show where the villain came out and offered a horse to the princess? But it wasn’t tribute, it was a gift? So it that was, like, villainous? By that point I was pretty hammered and Noah had taken off his crown and was waving his flag at the wrong times, so we had both really lost the plot. I guess we could have asked TJ what the fuck was going on but it was loud and we didn’t care THAT much. Either way, the villain on the horse did a 10 minute dressage routine, which was confusing and impressive and funny. Because the evil guy rides dressage to really dramatic music? Sure. I get it. He’s the one percent.

They served us what looked and tasted like McDonalds apple pies for dessert. No one complained about that, obviously.

And then when it was all over we walked out and there were the King and Princess sitting on thrones in the middle of a night club blasting Rihanna. That’s when I started to feel weird and was glad that we were leaving.

Oh, I forgot. The knight who won ran into the stands and high-fived everyone. That was great. I hope he washed his hands after. 

Noah: So you get to this nightmare place, and it is just in a regular city area. It’s not in the country. That’s nuts. I thought it would be out in the country where the horses could roam around in their off hours. But, no. You’re driving on a city road, and then there it is. What do the horses do in their off time?! Do they just go to Pirate Adventure for fun? That doesn’t seem like fun. I guess these horses just have a pretty rough life.

I was really high and concerned about horses when we entered the large dusty arena.


The first thing I noticed was the moderate horse shit smell. Then I realized I was going to be eating food here. I was going to be eating food surrounded by horse shit smell. I was no longer concerned about the horses. I was concerned about myself. 

We were lead to a table where some guy came over and gave us an hour and a half long seminar about what to do with our cups to signal what drink we wanted. I did not follow it at all. They kept mentioning iced tea as if that would be an obvious beverage choice at Medieval times. But, it’s a kids’ place. What kid is super into iced tea? Certainly not this kid. I did not want iced tea. But I was super high and didn’t have the mental capacity to learn a semaphore-style cup language just to get some fucking water. I decided I would hold my cup in my lap and simply ask for water when someone with water came by. The plan worked. It was okay water. 

Later, some guy on a horse came out and asked us to wave our flags and taunt the people sitting across from us because they are our enemy. I was like, “Na, I’m alright.” Then, all the knights entered the arena. So, let’s get into how goddamn stupid the knights’ color designations were. Sarah, TJ, and I were supposed to support the Blue Knight. That makes sense. I was fine with that. Then there was also a red knight and a yellow knight. Those also make sense. But then, as if there were no more colors left, there was a “black and white knight” and a “black and red knight”? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? You can’t be a thing-and-another-thing knight. You get one modifier per knight. Like, there’s a Batman and there’s a Catwoman. There’s no Cow and Bird Man or Chicken and Wolf Woman. “Red and Black Knight.” Fuck you, Medieval Times. You’re dumb and shitty.

Eventually, we finished all of our food, the knights finished all of their knight stuff, and we left the arena and bar area.



Sarah: Getting home, we played the anal game, which TJ had taught to us. All you do is when you see a car name you put the word “anal” in front of it. Here are some good examples:

Anal Legend

Anal Impala

Anal Patriot

Anal Echo

Anal Focus

Anal Challenger

Anal Accord

Anal Quest

As you can see, it’s a great game that you can play for hours with friends and young children. Next time I want to go to Pirate Adventure, which is next door. I bet you get a great hat there. 

Noah: TJ drove me a very long way home where I took an anti-anxiety pill a friend had given me and went immediately to sleep. I had seriously crazy dreams that night. 

Follow Noah on Twitter @NoahGarfinkel

Follow Sarah on Twitter @swalks