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March 27, 2013

From the BMZ archives...

Wow, sometimes we just get ourselves into situations in life that we know are not going to be any good for us but we walk into them like the fucking terminator regardless. This article is one of those situations. As we sat around the BMZ offices, giving each other handjobs while watching the movie Sucker Punch and thinking about what kind of lists can we offer to you list obsessed internet goonz, this was the first idea that came to us... I'm not sure what that says about us or why we unanimously agreed to write this piece but... here it is, heading straight at you, nude and smoking from being shot by fucking lightning.



BMZ's Top 5 Most Awkward Movies to Masturbate to. 



You're here right now... you gotta expect what's coming to you.



Starting off the list we have...

#5 - Chasing Amy





There is absolutely zero reason to masturbate to this movie. Yes there are lesbian scenes. Yes there are explicit descriptions of sexual acts, including; threesomes, anal and even hinted bestiality for all you hammer handle in the ass type sickos. Still, zero reason to masturbate to this movie. It would be like a 3rd time on a Saturday afternoon wank while cartoons are on in the background. Awkward.

#4 - Mulholland Drive





She cries while she masturbates! She cries while she masturbates! She cries while she FUCKING masturbates! 
And yet still I can't.

#3 - Lars Von Trier's Antichrist




This movie contains multiple scenes of genital mutilation. A child dies during the act of coitus. Dead foxes speak about the same shit your dead uncle Lou was ranting about the last time you were on acid. No touchy the PP. Even though the actress is nude and fucking for almost the entire movie, no chance of a "Happy Ending" here.

#2 - The Woman





Even our own resident pervert ,Todd Grundle, was only able to masturbate to this movie one time and it took a lot of cheering on from the rest of us to make it work. This movie contains a primitive, raw and most importantly, naked woman for nearly it's duration. It was worth a try. 
#1 - Compliance
The just over 18-year-old girl in this movie is stripped, forced to do naked jumping jacks, gynecologically examined by andforced to perform oral sex on a stranger!! Why would anyone masturbate to this?? 
...when you could easily masturbate to the surveillance footage of the actual events this movie is inspired by.
And that will do it for us today my friendly friends. Please for the love of Bob, don't do anything we would do.
Oh and we are sorry about the above article.
Our bad.
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