Drinking Game For Broke Depressed People Who Are Alone

If your car has a ticket on the windshield, take two drinks!

Reveal embarrassing personal anecdotes about yourself, like how you still have wet dreams or how you used to sneak into your mom’s room and smell her socks. Whenever you feel ashamed of yourself take one drink!

If you slide into a crippling depression, crawl into a ball on the floor, and tell the floor it’s your new best friend, take two drinks!

If you start to cry because of the deep regrets you have about not asking Sally Leatherwood to the Homecoming dance before that asshole Curt Hayes swooped in, take three drinks!

If you wash off the tears by taking a fully-clothed shower, take one drink!

If you call your dad to yell at him about how it’s his fault you don’t understand how to love, take two drinks! If your dad is also drinking when you call him, take a bonus drink!

If you start sweating and shivering uncontrollably, and you lick your sweat and it tastes like vodka, and that tastes good to you so you keep licking, take one drink!

If you call your ex-girlfriend and quietly sob into the phone, and she recognizes the sobbing as you because you have done this many times before, take one drink!

If you no longer fear death, and in some ways think that death would solve a lot of the problems you have in life, take one drink!

If you stumble into your neighbors yard, naked, and start shouting obscenities at their dog, take two drinks!

If the cops pull up to arrest you and you tell them they don’t know you and that you can’t go to jail because you’re a pretty boy, chug the rest of the bottle! Waterfall!