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June 02, 2011

Advice Column. I will solve all of everyone's problems

Question 1 from Steve in New York, NY:

Dear Dr. J,
  My girlfriend says I look at other women too much, but I work in an office of all guys, really no women and when I finally am outside I like looking around. Whats a good way to explain to her that its natural and I don't mean anything by it?
Steve NYC

  I gotcha buddy.  Easy solution for this problem.  Since you said you only work with men, I imagine you're either a fireman, a bartender at a gay bar, or a finance guy.  I'm betting finance.  Don't waste your time communicating with her.  That will get you nowhere. Instead, take advantage of the lack of morality and decency in the financial work environment.  So you get caught looking at girls on the street.  How do we fix this? Start looking at girls at work.  No I'm not talking about porn Steve.  Do I look like an amateur?  Two words Steve.  LONG LUNCHES.  Two more words.  HUSTLER CLUB.  That's four words that could save your relationship and your sanity.  You may lose your job, but I doubt it.  You could take a dump on the risk managers head as long as you're making money. 

  You look like you have no problem making money.  Treat that office like you own it.  Fuck it, start getting strippers at work.  Just wait till the one female, probably a receptionist, calls in sick.  There's no limit to the amount of work you can done at work.  Not that kinda work Steve.  I'm talking about fun work like  watching strippers, getting drunk, gambling, and fighting.  You take care of that stuff on the clock, you have the rest of the day to share with your girlfriend.  She'll thank you and me in the long run.  Get crackin' Steve. 

Question 2 from Melissa in Yonkers, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

  I've lived in Yonkers for too long.  My husband and I are looking to move closer to the city.  I have to commute to the Lower East Side every day and it's become too expensive and too much of a pain in the ass.  We're thinking Brooklyn or Queens.  Any thoughts on this Dr. J?



  No prob Melissa.  OK.  You definitely don't want to move to Williamsburg (Too young, too many hipsters).  Definitely not Greenpoint (Too Polish and too trendy).  No to Bed-Stuy and Flatbush (Too dangerous).  No to Bushwick (Young loft punks).  No on anywhere in East Brooklyn (Too far and I don't know what's really out there).  Bay Ridge and Coney Island (Too Russian and too Italian). As far as Queens, maybe Long Island City or Astoria, but come on, who wants to live in Queens.  You ever see that show "King of Queens"?  It's exactly like that.

  Brooklyn Heights and Park Slope are nice if you like yuppies with kids and flea markets and shit like that.  Let's just get Brooklyn and Queens out of the equation.  That leaves us with Manhattan, the Bronx, and Staten Island.  Staten Island and the Bronx are disqualified for being Staten Island and the Bronx.  So Manhattan.  Ok.  Upper East Side is too stuffy.  Upper West Side is too exclusive.  Midtown is midtown.  Lower East Side is too bridge and tunnel now.  Meat Packing is too lame and b&t.  West Village is too gay.  East Village is too trashy.  Soho and Tribeca are too expensive.  Financial District is boring.  Grammercy, good luck.  That leaves us with San Francisco or Yonkers.  Glad I could help. 

Question 3 from Halley in Astoria, Queens:

Dear Dr. J,

My new roommate is a nightmare!  She moved in 3 weeks ago and she still has her crap in the living room.  She refuses to buy toilet paper or paper towel.  I don't know what she wipes her butt with.  Worst of all, she changed the cable without telling us!  I've had it up to here.  I don't know what to do.  I'm moving in with my boyfriend in two months, should I say something or should I just play nice until I move out?  Is it worth starting a fight over?  Please help. 

  Seems like you have quite a problem on your hands.  You could have some fun with this if you're willing to go the extra mile.  I'm going to offer you the same 5-pronged roommate strategy I offer to all of my domestically disgruntled patients. (1)  Change your cable provider to something really shitty and lame.  Get Cablevision with basic cable.  Make that bitch watch NY1. (2) Remember those kazoo things at the South Africa World Cup.  Play a soundtrack of just that when you leave the house. (3) Start hosting underground casino nights.  Publicize this at the OTB and on the Bowery.  (4) Talk to yourself.  This is a classic.  She'll ask, "Who were you talking to?" and you'll answer "Martha Washington".  (5)  Get your nephew to come over and be a "ghost".  She'll ask "Who was that little boy that just ran through the kitchen?" and you'll say, "I didn't see a little boy."  Dress him up in some 20's style garb with knickers and a newsies cap. Pay the creepiest old lady in the building to tell the story of how young Johhny Smithers was locked in an ice box by his crazy mother in 1921.   

  If none of these work, just stab the bitch.

Thanks everyone.  Happy Memorial Day.

Dr. J