Hey everybody, it's Memorial Day weekend, the best holiday of the week. It's time to break out those ripped abs and dust off that vagina. Get ready for some BBQ, some fun in the sun, and some tenuous rooftop blackouts. What's that? You don't know what to do this weekend? You came to the right place. In honor of Time (Machine) Out New York, I'm going to help you plan the perfect Memorial Day weekend.
Friday Afternoon: Get a head start on the weekend and take a long lunch at the nearest pub. Pretend you're Roger Sterling and get a good gentleman's buzz on. Don't forget to call the coke guy at 6 PM sharp. Thursday night you were telling yourself you didn't need that stuff to have fun. Guess what? You were wrong. You need it.
Friday Night: The weekend has finally arrived. Take a load off, you've earned it. Now that you've got a real nice buzz on and you've done a couple stiff rails, get to the toilet and take a shit. That crap you just put up your nose is 15% fine Colombian cocaine and 85% Walgreens brand Ex-Lax. Better take care of it now. Bonus Tip: You won't be hungry, but jam a couple bagels down your throat. This will feel like you're eating a football, but you need to last the next 72 hours of drinking.
So you're all geared up and ready to enjoy your long weekend. Head to the Brewskee-Ball Championships at Full Circle Bar at 318 Grand St., in Williamsburg at around midnight. This cramped shit hole is the perfect place to rub elbows with the whose who of the Grand Street skee-ball scene. Assuming that you and your friends have been doing blasters and drinking Old English since 6, you should be ready to start a fight with a dirty hipster by telling him, "I'll knock that stupid moustache off your fucking face with this skee-ball". Then turn and wing the skee-ball at the wall. After you're promptly escorted outside, head over to Subway Bar on Metropolitan and Union to play some real skee-ball and mingle with some of the sketchiest people in all of Brooklyn, maybe the world.
Saturday Morning: Hey you're home. How did you get there? Start drinking.
Saturday Afternoon: Head over to Arte Cafe on Columbus and 73rd street for some all you can drink brunch. The food is great and the mimosas are to die for. It's Saturday! You have two days to recover. Let it all hang out. Once you're nice and lubed up, head back over to the Williamsburg Waterfront for Smorgasburg, a food fair set up by the people who brought you the Brooklyn Flea. This is a great opportunity for you and your friends to laugh at hundreds of white people looking for cute and neat organic syrups and pickles. Keep drinking.
Saturday Night/Sunday Morning: Holy shit, it's 6 AM and you're at some strange upstairs bar in the East Village called KGB Bar. Stick around a bit and shoot the shit with some genuine New York degenerates. It's 10 AM so you better get moving. You'll be thinking, "Fuck it's Sunday. Holy Christ it's bright out here. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me."
Sunday Afternoon: Wipe those worries away with America's pastime. Jump on the 7 train and head to Citi Field at 1 PM to watch the Amazin' Mets play the rival Philadelphia Phillies. It's gonna be hot in the bleachers and you've been drinking for the better part of 48 hours, so make sure you drink a water. Remember, whatever you do, don't stop drinking alcohol now. It will be an absolute nightmare if you do. If you feel a bit hungry after not eating for 2 days, head over to the Shake Shack in left field and wait in line for the final 4 innings.
Sunday Night: Aren't you glad you called the guy again? That was a close one. Now get back in the city and head over to the Pussycat Lounge on 96 Greenwhich Street in the Financial District. Don't stop drinking. Tell the dancer you love her and go to the ATM and take out $500. Now you can...
Monday Morning: Look at that. You're home again. You have $15 left and it appears that you called your ex-girlfriend 14 times. Why are your knuckles bleeding? What a weekend. You better lie here and stare at the ceiling for the next 4 hours.
Monday Afternoon: Sit down in the shower and let it all out. It's been a tough stretch and you've earned a little cry. Get out of the shower and get back to bed. Hang some sheets over the window. The sun is not your friend today.
Monday Night: Don't be a hero. Go ahead and call in sick. Bonus Tip: Don't kill yourself. You will regret it.