For months Tony Hawk video gaming fans have been waiting patiently for it and they finally got it: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5 has been officially announced! It will be coming out on Playstation 4 and XBox One later in the year and PS3 and XBox 360 shortly after that.
The new game will mark a return to the classic Tony Hawk game play of our elders. It will also have new additions like power-ups and being able to shoot projectiles at stuff during missions. Add in a new rocking soundtrack and updated graphics and there’s a lot to be excited about with THPS5.
But what are fans looking forward to most? Without a doubt, the new levels. I was able to get my hands on the descriptions of some of the new levels slated for Tony Hawk Pro Skater 5 and what Tony Hawk thinks about each level, and you’re gonna wanna brace yourself because they get a little weird.
Crowded Ikea On A Sunday
Skate through retail hell and get points for doing tricks off reasonably priced, flimsy Swedish furniture. Power up at the meatball stand and get extra points for stopping to resolve frustrating arguments between couples by reminding them how much they love each other and value each other’s support and opinions.
Tony Hawk Says: “So cool to see the Bjursta dining room table in the game … and then ollie over it!”
Your Childhood Home
Through use of image scanning software and a long, painstaking phone call to one of your parents, THPS5’s “Your Childhood Home” level is an exact, 3D replica of the home you lived in when you were 12 years old. When you were just old enough to experience and foster extremes of both good and bad memory associations. Ollie off the wood-paneled television set you watched Saturday morning cartoons on; do a kick flip while cruising through the kitchen table you ate breakfast at; or pull a frontside over the couch you learned to masturbate on by humping one of the cushions.
Tony Hawk says: “Pretty cool how you can pull a frontside over the couch that you learned to masturbate on by humping one of the cushions.”
A Gridlocked Brooklyn-Queens Expressway
A first in Tony Hawk Pro Skater, in this level you don’t skate at all. You’ve been entered last minute into the X Games, but they’re in L.A. and you’re in New York so you gotta get to JFK airport, like, yesterday. It’s two in the afternoon so you sit in a cab, stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the BQE realizing that the subway would have actually been much quicker. You try to be patient as you thumb one of the wheels on your lucky board, silently freaking out and then slowly coming to the realization that, yes, you will miss your once-in-a-lifetime chance to be in the X Games because of this goddamned traffic.
Tony Hawk says: “I love New York!
Under the Ocean’s Surface
In this level you are under water throughout and as such, your skater is constantly being pulled up to the water’s surface so you have to press buttons to get the skater to go down further underwater and explore, pick up coins, and avoid enemies. Kind of like the Mario Bros. underwater levels but wheels work like feet for some reason. Avoid getting tangled in sea weed and getting trapped by squid, also kind of like Mario Bros. underwater levels, and you win!
Tony Hawk: ”Tony Hawk Pro Skater 5 basically just becomes Super Mario Bros. during this level. And I love it!“
The Electric Factory
A completely empty airplane hangar–sized factory is charged with 500 million volts of electricity. There are not things in the factory to do skate tricks on, the entire level’s mission is to not get electrocuted to death by the constantly tormented electric pressure that exists as a kind of electric cloud constantly bouncing off the metal walls of the factory.
Tony Hawk says: "This is a boring, impossible-to-beat level that you probably won’t like.”