Full Credits

Stats & Data

February 18, 2016

In a move that makes total sense, Miami Police Union to boycott Beyonce concert.

Following the outrage that will forever be known as the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show Starring Coldplay, police around the country are super sad. Not because they put their pension funds on the Carolina Panthers winning, but because of a risque dance performance.

Beyonce danced across a field normally reserved for large men with CTE,and what would follow would shape the future of policing in the United States.

In a move that would shock the nation, a Miami Police Union announced a vote in favor of boycotting her upcoming Miami performance. Yes, they spent the time to get together and put up a vote on Queen B. After long hours and countless votes, she would be exiled from their services.

“Yeah, of course I watched the Super Bowl. I honestly didn’t notice anything upsetting about her performance at the time, as I was entranced by her thighs,” said Steve Naive of the Miami police. “Turns out, as weeks have gone by and someone posted a thing on Facebook, that it was totally anti-police.”

Many other officers expressed the same notions, she did have amazing thighs. However, now the city is facing a situation at Marlins Stadium in which police won’t be policing. They have decided to ignore the 37,000+ fans that will be in attendance.

“Crazy, right? Literally anything could happen there, and we won’t be around to help,” said officer Naive. “It seems flawed when you think about it, but at least I get the night off work to take my girlfriend to the Beyonce show. We haven’t fucked yet, so that should help my chances,” he added.

Other options for experienced security at this time are the Hells Angels, who last worked the Altamont Free Concert.