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October 23, 2015

Halloween is approaching. You are stressed. You still don't have a costume, nor the slightest idea for a costume, but that hot chick from Marketing told you about this party you must go to. She will be there, so you will. What to do, what to do ... The answer is easy. Just click on this article.

Halloween is approaching and with it the panic of proper preparation. If you’re anything like me (and everyone should be, I’m awesome) you feel great remorse of actually putting any effort or spending any money to impress. But on the other side, Halloween is a great opportunity to get laid and one should not easily skip it. This psychological duality always gets the best of me. Should I withstand my beliefs and not celebrate it at all? Or should I go for the unknown and actually give it a try, spend half my salary on a costume I will never ever use again and do my best with the ladies?

Being the indecisiveperson that I am, I choose to do both. I’ll put minimum effort in the endeavour, spend as less as I can, but still try my best with the chicks. After a quick research (browsing Reddit for 10 minutes) I’ve gathered quite a few really simple Halloween costume ideas that can actually get me some Snoo-Snoo.

Genius Idea #1


Source: your Mom’s private collection

Go to the party wearing nothing but your pants. At first no one would get it, but stay strong! Await your moment. When the first chick dressed as a cat asks what you are supposed to be, look her dead straight in the eyes and say “I’m a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.” You’ll laugh, she’ll laugh, the virgin in a Batman costume that’s been stalking her all night long will laugh, it’s funny stuff.

Mega-giga Costume Idea #2

Get a blank shirt and write “life” on it. Then buy a bag of lemons and when people ask you what you are start to hand them lemons. You are life and you’re giving them lemons, get it? Of course you do, it’s super cheesy and unoriginal. But here comes the good part. When you find your chick with a slutty costume and daddy issues and explain the meaning of your Halloween costume for the 17th time, finish with the line “you look depressed, you should grab onto life and ride it like it’s your last day on Earth”. 60% of the time it works every time!

Brilliant Halloween Costume #3


Source: Hero Machine

This actually requires some small labour but it still stays relatively cheap and easy. Get an artificial afro hair (or grow your own if you don’t care about what other people think of you) and paint it green. Get a matching green shirt and green pants and voilà – you have yourself a broccoli costume. Now all you have to do is go out shouting to every hot chick out there to “eat her vegetables”. Raw.

You-will-literally-be-drown-in-pussy-juice Costume #4


Source: Massachusetts’ criminal records

Put on your favourite sweater, take out your most rapist smile out of the closet and start dropping Tic-Tacs in other people’s glasses.Congratulations, you’re on the path of making a successful Hot Cosby.

No-way-it-can-go-wrong Halloween Costume #5

By far, this is the easiest costume to implement. Just put on your everyday clothes. If someone blames you for not putting a costume,simply explain that you are a nudist on a strike. But you are always ready to make a compromise for a cute girl. Or a drunk girl. Any girl is fine actually.

Out-of-this-World Halloween Idea #6


Source: imgur

Dress up as a tall midget. It would be relatively simple if you still keep your childhood clothes or have a smaller sibling. Or a kid, but even I will question your life decisions if you’re a father and you give your best to get laid on Halloween. None the less, dress as an exceptionally big midget. When (if) you finally get the attention of a member of the opposite gender, give your best provocative look and ask her if she wants to see what else is exceptionally big in you. Simple as that.

Easy Halloween Costume #7


Source: Random gutter cleaning site

Just go with your work clothes. You know you’re a blue-collar worker, I know it, all your friends know it. So why not go there, showing you’ve put zero efforts, and dominate the party. Doesn’t matter if you are a gutter cleaner, trench digger, construction worker or any of the YMCA folk, just be yourself. Chicks dig hard working men. Or so I’ve heard, can’t really know.

Best Costume Ever #8


Source: Buzzfeed .. sorry

Ok, ok, I got this! Listen up! You can’t fail with this one. Are you ready? You sure? Here it goes: cut a hole in a small plastic table. Glue some cigs and an alarm clock. Maybe even a glass of water. Wear a lampshade and you’ve become Halloween’s most wanted hero – a one night stand. Surely no girl can resist you now!

Riggity rigged Halloween Costume Idea #9


Source: Please don’t ask me how many schlongs I had to see before finding this image

Simply go as Adam. Adam who? The Adam from that book, how was it called … oh yeah, the Bible. It’s totally in the budget. All you need is one big leaf (or not that big, I don’t judge). You do need a set of balls of steel to pull this one out, but trust me, if you can, you will score! It is scientifically proven showing naked gets you laid. You can’t argue science.