Ever since I totaled my Pops beamer last year, my bitch ma’s been kindly asking me to get my driver’s license. NOT. She’s been bitchin’ as usual, and the last few days it’s been worse ‘cause her vagina’s been really bloody. So while I was just my minding my own shit, (doing my daily routine of xbox, cheetos, ass rippin and jacking off) she barges the fuck in, trying to control things like my room’s Normandy and she’s Uncle fucking Sam. I pretend to listen for about thirty seconds, nodding my head agreeably and mumbling “uh-huh's", but the bitch catches on. That’s when her talking ceased and she marched over to the box. As she leaned over to turn off my most prized possession, instincts took over. In a quiet, yet pragmatic tone, I simply said, “Bitch, if you so much as put one finger on my muse, I will go more apeshit than King Kong after watching Fay Wray’s already-bloodied orifices stabbed repeatedly.” She turned and stood up with a face redder than her vagina and muttered, “Okay then…I won’t turn it off.” And walked out.
That moment brought on a flurry of emotions: I was ecstatic that I could keep living the dream, surprised that she let me get away with that shit and absolutely impressed with the power of my conviction. With the latter fueling my already very large ego, I stopped playing box and figured I could swagger into the DMV and just demand my license.
I grabbed the keys and was on my way. Though as I opened the door to the joint I grew very displeased. Some four-eyed D-bag whose wide gait clearly suggested he loved taking it in the rump, informed me the wait would be at least two hours. Typically I’m not a big yeller- I take pride, a great deal of pride in fact, in my unrivaled ability to get my way passive-aggressively- but this asshole, this fucking, cock-munching asshole, rained on my parade. So I stood up, stared into his eyes, bellowed an ear-shattering “dicklicker” from deep within my loins, and socked him right in the kisser. With both his nose and glasses broken, I turned and swaggered right back out of the god-awful place.
Extremely pissed off and heartbroken, I drove off. But on the ride back, I came up with an ingenious plan; a plan that would reward me with both vindication and a hard piece of plastic that would prove my already perfect driving skills…To be continued fuckers…