An exclusive interview with Dave and Marisa, by Dave and Marisa, via Gchat.
Dave: Hi Marisa Marisa: HI DAVE!!! Dave: We are blogging for Funny or Die this week, huh? Marisa: Yes! We made it! Dave: Finally, I can retire! I'm going to buy that boat that you're supposed to buy when you retire. Marisa: We can sail on a sea of cash and steaks! Dave: So I guess my rent just gets automatically paid? Is that how it works? Marisa: Yeah, I think they directly deposit those benjamins right into your account. Or maybe they directly deposit them to the boat store Dave: Okay, I'll make a trip to the boat store tomorrow. in the meantime, let's blog! Marisa: you're right. Dave: We have a regular blog, do we not? Marisa: we do! Dealbreaker! Dave: If the average Funny or Die visitor wanted to read it, where would they go? Marisa: Surf the web right on over to www.dealbreaker.tumblr.com! So, let’s get real. Why did we make this blog? Dave: I'd like to think that we created Dealbreaker as a direct response to some of the dating disasters we've experienced as young Hollywood royalty. Right? Marisa: Exactly. OH! Did I tell you about the guy with the eggs? Dave: No? Marisa: We met for a morning date, which is already weird. Dave: oh yeah, too bright. Marisa: yeah, not sexy. So he orders fried eggs (real runny yolk), sausage and pancakes. Dave: Sounds great? Marisa: NO! This JERK puts his runny-yolked fried egg on top of his syruped pancakes and pierces the yolk so those perfect pancakes are left soaking up disgusting yolky fried egg yolk. I had to watch him eat like a pig for thirty minutes. Dave: I mean...that's pretty gross. Marisa: I can't watch a husband eat eggy pancakes for the next 50 years! Dave: i dated a girl who lived under her bed. Marisa: a monster!??! Dave: She lofted it and sat under there with some scarves and rugs and an old lamp. And lots of old dusty books. And weed. LOTS of weed. Marisa: sounds like a sexy gypsy Dave: You could say she was the original witchy woman (if Stevie Nicks never existed). Dave: Either way, I think we can both agree, we've dated some duds. Marisa: True. But, does this mean we are too judgmental to find happiness? Dave: It means we will sit in eternal blog judgment. OR it means that we'll get a lucrative book deal and get rich! And then, we'll be able to afford some sweet arm candy. Marisa: Toblerones are my favorite candy. Dave: I like Whoppers. Marisa: I want the man equivalent of a Toblerone. Prince Harry? Dave: Oh. I'm just going to date a box of Whoppers. I guess I don’t understand my own metaphor. Marisa: at least you know she will PUT OUT (you can eat candy). Dave: Yeah, I’ll treat myself. I deserve it. Marisa: Speaking of treating ourselves, I am going to go get ice cream. Dave: Oh, okay! Marisa: All eligible bachelors please report to Scoops at Melrose and Heliotrope in Los Angeles, CA! Dave: Sounds great! Marisa: Is there anything we missed? Anything we should talk about? Dave: Um, I have a question. Marisa: Shoot. Dave: how is it being a girl? That must be exhausting. Marisa: Being a girl is a nightmare Dave: I knew it! Marisa: You have to come up with clever outfits all the time. Dave: oh yeah that would drive me insane. Like, sweaters? And, Makeup? Marisa: yeah, those! Sweaters, makeup, hairstyles. Dave: ugh so confusing Marisa: nail polish, eyebrows, leg shaving, exfoliating, waxing, lotions. Dave: So, it's like, “does my sweater match my makeup?” Marisa: Exactly. Does my lotion match my eyebrows? Dave: "I'll be right down, Bobby, I'm just putting on some argyle lipstick." Marisa: Yes! That’s why I am always late! Dave: i knew it! That's why Bobby broke up with you Marisa: Bobby was a dick. Is it hard to be a boy? Dave: it's so hard. You have no idea. I am required to eat so much chunky soup, and it usually gets in the way of all the football sports I have to play. Factor in playing in the mud, and I've got a full schedule! Dave: Also, killing spiders and sitting in a recliner. Marisa: sitting in a recliner?? Just sitting? Dave: well, in my house, it's called the bro-zone. Dave: "If you need me, I'll be in the Bro-zone" (it has a cupholder) Marisa: Ugh. You are a dealbreaker Dave: you're the one who wears argyle lipstick Dave: YOU are the dealbreaker. Marisa: and together, WE ARE DEALBREAKER!