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September 29, 2015
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Facebook saw a surge of posts from users this week forbidding the site from stealing their profile's information and media. While these may not have been necessary, what steps are needed to keep your Facebook account secure.

Facebook saw a surge of posts from users this week forbidding the site from stealing their profile’s information and media. While these may not have been necessary, what steps are needed to keep your Facebook account secure?

  • Keep criminals away by holding a giant knife in all of your photos.
  • Lick your wall so no one else wants it.
  • When coming up with a password, avoid random gibberish. It’s actually easier for robots to guess a password like that than one made of two distinct words that have significance to you. So just go with “Pussy Mauler.”
  • Make your password something racist so hackers feel uncomfortable typing it.
  • “Like” everything with a like button on it. If you really like something just tell the person IRL. Do NOT tell them you liked anything over the phone.
  • Like the page “Security”
  • Make sure only your friends can see your Facebook. Limit the number of friends you have by only showering on Wednesdays.
  • Set up log-in notifications by going into settings and randomly clicking on a few things. Be sure to hit save at some point.
  • Change your birth year to 2001 cause it’s illegal to hack a minor.
  • The surest way to keep your password safeguarded is to create a Facebook fan page with your password as the title and invite all your friends to like it.
  • Post the following legally-binding message to your timeline: “Peter, Peter, content eater, protect my wall from snooping peepers. Put it in a pumpkin shell, then send my enemies straight to hell. Amen.”
  • Delete your account but not before making a big show of it to all your friends.
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