Toys. They weren’t just fun when used for their intended purposes. Sometimes as a kid, the best way to use a good toy was to stick it in your mouth. Was it the shape of the toy? Was it ramping up the tactile pleasure to the next logical step? Was it the predicted taste? Surely anything purple would also share the sweet deliciousness of a fresh grape. Whatever the reason, these toys were some of the best toys from your childhood to stick in your mouth.
Lincoln Logs were great for the mouth. The grooves on the ends of each piece made them possible to stack, but also beckoned the front teeth of a child to be clenched around them. What a perfect indentation to match the alignment of the front of your mouth. It was as if God himself designed man’s dental structure with Lincoln Logs in mind. You could hold these logs in your mouth comfortably forever. A skilled child might have even moved his lower jaw back and forth causing the log in his mouth to rise and fall like a wooden drawbridge. The rich, wooden flavor only added to the pleasure. Lincoln Logs were fantastic for sticking in your mouth.
Smelly Markers each had a distinctive smell. It would only make sense that these markers would also have had distinctive tastes, and I want to say they did. As a child, these markers seemed purposefully made for sticking in your mouth. Just pop off the cap, and make your tongue the canvas. A rainbow of flavors awaited you. Science tells us that smell and taste are very closely linked. Childhood tells us that Smelly Markers might as well have been called Tasty Markers. Constant scolding from any adult who caught you with these delicious color wands in your mouth only made us want the forbidden fruit that much more. If allowed, children would suck these markers dry, and that was because they really were great for sticking in your mouth.
Grow In Water Dinosaurs
Grow In Water Dinosaurs came in a pill. You would drop that pill into a bowl of water, wait a couple minutes, and you’d have yourself a little sponge dinosaur. It was radical as hell. Watching this magic unfold before your child eyes only begged the question, could this pill to dinosaur transformation just as easily take place inside my mouth? The pill casing itself was thin and dissolved instantly after being stuck in your mouth. The rest of the process almost never went as smoothly. The saliva in your mouth, while great for aiding in the predigestion of foods, is simply not powerful enough to create sponge dinosaurs. You’d end up getting a weird, crushed dinosaur that was folded over on itself. While not the best way to go about creating the finished product, sticking the Grow In Water Dinosaur pills in your mouth was still worth it.
Brio Wooden Trains
A Chinese lead paint scare didn’t stop you from sticking Brio Trains in your mouth as a child. Like Lincoln Logs, there was definitely something about the texture and smell of wood that made these toys so appealing to the mouth. The tracks had connectors that were perfect for gripping and biting until they were worn beyond use. The trains themselves were also a wonderland for the oral senses. There was nothing quite like taking two cars and seeing if opposite magnets could find each other through your tongue. Tiny wooden trains often carried tiny wooden freight. A wooden oil tank the size of a Jolly Rancher found its way into the sides of your jaw. Sticking Brio Wooden Trains in your mouth was a part of any childhood.
Other comic book heroes wear masks, but Batman’s identity comes from his horned cowl. Batman’s ears are truly what define him, and their rubbery plastic toy counterparts are perfect for sticking in your mouth. What child didn’t want to slip Batman’s ears under their strong teeth and attempt to bite them off? Removing Batman’s ears not only seemed possible, it seemed like the right thing to do with your toy, and a job that was best suited for your mouth.
You won a bag of these guys at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then they went straight into your mouth.
The Pieces From The Game “Perfection”
…right into your mouth.
The Baby From Inside
The Barbie That Is Pregnant
Stick that tiny little baby in your mouth.
When you are a kid, anything and everything seems like it should be stuck in your mouth. Some adults feel this way too. Hopefully many of you have gone on to do great things with your developed oral awareness. Hopefully all of you felt the same nostalgia reading this article as I did writing it.