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345Funny
30Die
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November 17, 2014
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A Funny Or Die email chain where everyone treads lightly around Pat's lack of success.

From: dan@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Hey, guys! I know a lot of you are heading outta town for Thanksgiving so we’re gonna shut down the office at noon today. Go beat the traffic!!!

Dan


From: melinda@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Oh hell yeah!! Thanks, Dan! Happy T-Day, everyone!


From: mike@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Um, guys, let’s not forget Pat’s on this email chain. Try to be a little considerate.


From: pat@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Hey Mike,

Confused what you mean by that??

- Pat


From: mike@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Well, just, like, you probably don’t love talking about the holiday since you don’t have anything to be thankful for.


From: melinda@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Ooof. Yeah. That was my bad. Sorry, Pat.


From: pat@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Wait, you guys don’t think I have anything to be thankful for?


From: jason@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Not trying to be rude, we just know you don’t have much going on right now. I’m sure the last thing you wanna worry about is like, “Oh God what am I gonna say when it’s my turn to say what I’m thankful for?!”

CHIN UP THOUGH!! 2015 is YOUR YEAR, dude!!


From: pat@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

You guys, I have plenty to be thankful for. Is this a joke?


From: jenny@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Pat, if it helps, don’t even think of it as Thanksgiving break. Think of it as five free days to just get your life back on track. Everyone in the office is rooting for you.


From: matt@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

I’m actually not rooting for him TBH.


From: pat@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

What the hell, guys. I have a good job. A great girlfriend. I’m healthy. I have plenty to be thankful for.


From: nate@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Pat, it’s OK. You don’t have to act brave in front of us. We’re all your friends.


From: matt@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

I’m actually not his friend. TBH.


From: dan@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

OK we get it, Matt. Pat’s about to have a very difficult week. Try putting yourself in his disgusting shoes for just one minute.


From: pat@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

You guys think my shoes are disgusting?


From: zack@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Pat, this has nothing to do with your shitty shoes and pants. This is about us SUPPORTING YOU right now.


From: pat@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

No one likes my pants, either?


From: john@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Here’s an idea. If any of us get the wishbone this year lets make it a Pat-specific wish. We all know it’s just dumb superstition but I’m sure Pat will still appreciate the thought and good vibes.


From: dan@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Similarly, I know I’m Jewish but I wrote a Catholic prayer I thought we could all say at Thanksgiving. (Do Catholics write their own prayers? Anyways, please print this out and pass it around to your families to recite before dinner.)

Heavenly Father, bless Pat O’Brien
It doesn’t look like it but I promise he’s tryin’
A break in life would be really sick.
It’s not his fault his life sucks dick.
Amen.

Not bad for a first try, huh?!


From: matt@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Just to be clear I don’t like Pat and not gonna do either of those.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯


From: pat@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

I DON’T WANT ANYONE’S FUCKING PRAYERS OR WISHES!


From: jason@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

hang.png

From: pat@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: AUTOREPLY: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Thank you for your email. I will be out of the office from today until December 1st and will reply to your email when I return.

Thank you,
Pat O’Brien


From: dan@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Um, WTF?

OK, I clearly said noon, not 11:45. He’s finished here.

Dan


From: matt@fod.com
To: office@fod.com
Subject: RE: Office closing early for Thanksgiving

Good.

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