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Stats & Data

August 29, 2008


* LOS ANGELES — British sculptor Marc Quinn's latest creation is a $2.8 million, 110-pound solid gold statue of supermodel Kate Moss.

Sources close to Moss say, "That statue is nothing like the real Kate. I mean seriously, it's like, at least 80 pounds heavier than she is. What an insult!"

* MIAMI — The National Hurricane Center says Tropical Storm Hannah has formed northeast of the northern Leeward Islands in the Atlantic.

Sources close to Hannah's brother, Trace Cyrus say, "Big deal! I feel like Jan Brady! Hannah, Hannah, Hannah! What about Metro Station? What about me? How about I beat the Achy Breaky shit out of you people?!"

* LOS ANGELES  — David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction.

Sources close to Agent Scully say, "When he asked me if my name meant, 'Likes getting skull fucked,' I knew he had Triple X-Files in his head."

* SAO PAULO — A disposable diaper saved the life of an 18-month-old boy. It broke his fall from a third-floor apartment window.

Sources close to the Life Alert lady say, "I want some Depends made out of what that kid had. Then, when I've fallen and can't get up, at least I know my hips will still be intact."

* Apple CEO Steve Jobs, is still alive. Bloomberg News accidentally published his obituary prematurely.

Sources close to the editor at Bloomberg say, "It was clearly a miscommunication. Our secretary, who uses a PC...with Vista... got a message from Jobs, which stated, 'I'm dead...' The message was cut off due to a Vista error. The complete message should have read, 'I'm dead tired, and will be out of the office until next week. Please direct all of your questions to the great and powerful Woz.'"

* DAVENPORT — Hundreds of sex offenders are out of work today. The city of Davenport is following the lead of Illinois and New York, now requiring ice cream truck vendors to have background checks.

Sources close to rocket popsicles everywhere say, "You hear that perverts? No more kids slobbering your popsicles! No more sticking us up your poop chute letting kids bet how long it will take to melt us! Sick bastards!"

* WASHINGTON — Drunken-driving deaths fell in 32 states in 2007.

Sources close to the drunks say, "Even we are having a hard time paying for gasoline. I'd like to see what statistical data they can come up with for how many of us lost our lives in walking accidents."

* LONG ISLAND — The True North Community Church was anonymously given a winning $3 million lottery ticket.

Sources close to God say, "That was really nice, but it's no get out of Hell free card. You're still going down mister money bags."