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July 21, 2011

Don't you DARE say that Marcus Bachmann is gay! Here are 15 reasons why not!


Marcus Bachmann, husband of Congressman and republican presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann, is a good Christian man and in no way a closeted homosexual. Godless liberal socialists are frightened of good Christians from the heartland like Marcus Bachmann, so naturally they toss mud at him and in his case they’ve decided to paint him gay. This is so very untrue. In fact, I think I can come up with 15 reasons that prove Marcus Bachmann is straight.

1. He was born in Minnesota. There are no gay people in the Midwest, unless you count Chicago, parts of Minneapolis, and of course Kansas City.

2. He’s a dedicated Christian man. No Christian has ever been gay. Not once.

3. His clinic features reparative therapy, which turns gay people straight. If he were gay, he would have just undergone the therapy and become straight again, right?

4. He explained to a reporter once that he acts effeminate so that women won’t feel intimidated around him. He’s not lying because he’s a Christian and totally un-gay.

5. He’s been sighted wearing plaid in public.


6. In 2010 he told a reporter, “I was a teabagger before it was cool.”

7. His favorite color is light purple rather than pink (like some gay).

8. He drinks appletinis with vodka rather than gin.

9. Across the street from the Christian counseling clinic he runs is a Denny’s whose men’s restroom is a well-known gay hook-up location. Marcus Bachmann never goes there, ever, unless the bathrooms in the clinic are malfunctioning like they were for six weeks last spring and right after New Years, and on alternative weekends in the summer and fall.

10. His favorite movie is CONAN THE BARBARIAN.

11. In 1998 he and Michelle won, at a charity event, a copy of the Barbra Streisand album Color Me Barbra, and he hardly ever listens to it anymore.

12. He watches football and has pictures of his favorite players in his study at home.

. That slight lisp is a speech impediment he’s had since birth. It’s not his fault. Don’t make fun of it, that’s insensitive.

14. Five kids, people, five kids. Don’t forget that. Five kids. And they are so obviously his, even the black and Asian ones.

15. And finally, the true evidence that Marcus Bachmann isn’t gay:

                           His dick doesn't taste like shit.