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Published September 22, 2008

I Will Never Eat Another Twix

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

Ever. I’m even going to throw whole boxes out at stores and blow up the pallet full of them at BJ’s.

Why?

BECAUSE OF THE FOD AD EXEC WHO DECIDED THE BANNER AD SHOULD EXPAND EVERYTIME I GET NEAR IT.

This is not good marketing. It’s fucking annoying and not only won’t I click to see what it wants, I’m seriously considering jumping ship to theOuternet.com. No bullshit banners jumping off the screen at you.

It started when, for a while, FOD had that Axe gizmo for men. I looked at the contraption briefly and thought ‘if I see a guy at the gym using this, I’m going to assume he was a girl’. No way in hell any respectable man uses that scrubber. A female? Yeah, I can see that. It’s more of a bathroom dildo than anything else. Brushes, multiple directions, removable heads. Adult sex store, yes. FOD, no.

So now Twix takes over. I have nightmares about the guy and gal’s surprised faces. The Twix bars are chasing me like the 2 little choco legs that they are. I try to stomp on them to crunch their cookie centers so far into my carpeting even Mr. Steamer won’t get them out.

I’ve done sales and marketing for 20+ years. Annoying people is not a good idea. You can have the banners- but please- limit them to non-movement. I refuse to go to many sites because of the shit that pops up when you click on something. Is FOD planning on being the next low rent YouTube? Guess that’s what happens when you sell a big stake to a company that forgets this site is for artists. I would have thought the marketing execs there would respect their clientele a tad more than some 14 year old student who likes to play the stupid fucking game Twix wants you to play.

And I know what’s next. When the FOD HBO show premiers, Michael Cera will be sitting there. Eating a Twix. In a close up. With his Axe machine within arm’s reach. I will then switch to Penn and Teller quicker than Clint Eastwood drawing his gun.

 

Now it's fucking Jay Mohr that's making me ill.

 Jay- I loved you in 'Jerry Mcguire' and 'Go', but has life really gotten so bad it's now these bullshit FOD ads and riding Jon Cryer's coatails into CBS oblvion? Don't you know that NO ONE on this site watches network sitcoms because they're written at a 3rd grade with ADD attention span?

Christ, Jay- get something on Discovery with Mike Rowe. They won't make you look like an asshole with that retared look on your face.

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