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September 28, 2015
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The discovery gives scientists newfound hope that the red planet could sustain life. Okay, kiddo?

NASA Discovers Water on Mars, Joshua

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Satellite image of the narrow streaks caused by water erosion on the surface of Mars.

Evidence of potentially life-giving water has been discovered on Mars, Joshua. NASA scientists confirmed Monday that water appears to flow down canyon and crater walls during the warm months and then dry up when temperatures start to fall, okay? That, young man, is what was “up” with all of my “Mars crap” on the car ride home from school this afternoon. It’s called “topical humor,” Joshua, and for the record, most of my co-workers love it. But I digress.

Scientists aren’t quite sure where the water comes from, but it may rise up from underground ice or salty aquifers, or condense out of the thin Martian atmosphere. Similarly, I don’t know where this “‘tude” comes from. Your mom and I are just having fun. You want your mom to have fun, don’t you? In fact, these jokes were carefully crafted for the express purpose of ensuring that you and your mom had an enjoyable car ride. That’s all I ever wanted. The position of my radio dial and openness of my sunroof are already in hock with your every flimsy whim, Joshua; what more could I possibly give you?

Perhaps more context is needed. You see, this scientific discovery proves that Mars is not the dry, arid planet we once thought it was, and maybe Mars’ rocky terrain might offer refuge to some primitive forms of life. Further, this is the one big story my fellow employees couldn’t stop talking about. (My desk is right next to the bathroom. That’s how I know this.) Well, all that bathroom chatter got me thinking, “Hey now, this story could be mighty good fodder for topical humor!” I decided to probe the story further over lunch, and with the help of my trusty Galaxy Tab, ascertained that yes, this topic was a plumb get and veritable goldmine for topical humor.

Now do you understand why I said, “Might have to go to Mars for that one,” after you blurted out, “I’m thirsty,” in the car? Makes sense now, doesn’t it? And now do you understand why I got upset after you started shouting and pointing to a Blimpie’s before your mom even had a chance to laugh at the joke? Granted, I shouldn’t have yelled, and I definitely shouldn’t have swerved the car back and forth in my distress. I already apologized to your mom, and I’m apologizing to you now.

For next time, all I ask is that you carefully consider the context of the joke I’m trying to make before you shit all over it. Okay, Joshua? Till then, I leave you with this:

@Lifeisgood4823 - “Forget California. Let’s go to Mars for vacation. At least they have water.”

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