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July 26, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has married. Friends say they were surprised by not only the suddenness of the wedding, but also her lack of similarities to cake.

In Colorado, gun sales have increased since the shooting at the Aurora movie theater. Because if the state's recent natural disaster proved anything, it's that you can fight fire with fire.

The tape of a 911 call made by a New Jersey building superintendent who stumbled upon an NYPD Muslim surveillance operation has been released. Speaking of phone calls, the building superintendent is still wondering when he'll get his, as he is in prison.

The Congressional Budget Office reports that the Affordable Care Act could save $84 billion over the next 11 years. "Yes, but at what cost?" said people clearly not wanting to listen.

Actor Sherman Hemsley, who played George Jefferson on "All in the Family" and "The Jeffersons," died Tuesday. Or as racists remember him, "One of the good ones."

Kristen Stewart issued a public apology to boyfriend and fellow "Twilight" star Robert Pattinson for cheating on him. At the end of which she wrote, "Stay out of our lives, media!"

At a public hearing regarding New York City's proposed "soda ban," an Auntie Anne's representative took the time to say, "Nothing compares to a golden-brown Auntie Anne pretzel and lemonade.” Adding, "Except for a a golden-brown Auntie Anne pretzel and lemonade and slapping democracy in the face."

For the fourth night in a row, authorities in Anaheim, Calif., fought with people protesting recent police shootings. "You're making this so tempting," said police. Or: Things got particularly heated when police began enforcing the "no masks at a protest" law.

An unnamed Mitt Romney adviser may have said that the candidate appreciates "Anglo-Saxon heritage" better than Obama. Romney distanced himself from the comment, notably with an ivory-tipped cane.

The Federal Reserve is rumored to be considering a bigger stimulus campaign. Or it'll just read "50 Shades of Grey" again.

Fort Hood gunman Nidal Hasan has been told he will be forcibly shaved before his trial if he doesn't remove his beard himself. Said Hasan, "I didn't know my wife was running this thing!"

As has been tradition since 1908, America will not dip its flag to the host nation during the Olympics' opening ceremony. To be fair, it's not like they give out medals for not being a dick.