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February 03, 2010


The days are really starting to drag on. Staying at home every day is becoming less and less enjoyable. Daytime TV sucks, I've pretty much burned through Hulu, and I already spend about two hours reading the news and sports online. I have nothing to do all day. Oh and of course I'm still broke. Please someone tell me how it's possible to simultaneously empathize with the Real Housewives of Orange County and someone on welfare, because I do.

If only I had the money to buy bottles of wine (who I am kidding, I'd buy boxes) and prescription drugs. I'm not an abuser of anything but I understand why those housewives get loaded all day. At least I don't have any kids to take care of, I'd just be by myself, worst case scenario I run with some scissors and lose an eye. Unfortunately I don't have that option. So what's left? I tried to use the power of imagination to keep me entertained but apparently going on magical adventures throughout the neighborhood has an age limit, after thirteen it's just called trespassing, and they get really pissed when you have a sword on your person while you're doing it.

I thought I was out of ways to keep myself entertained until I came up with the most genius plan ever conceived. How can I constantly have company/be entertained/wake up not knowing what the day will bring? Make my parents' house haunted. Think of it, I'd always have a ghost pal to talk to, we could play hide and seek, and I'd have to be on my toes all day.

Now, living in a haunted house during the day would be a blast, but at night it would be fucking terrifying. However there are ways to avoid the ghosts at night, for example, replace my bedroom door with a glass door that has Latin spells written all over it. Granted trying to masturbate in private with a glass door to my room would be difficult, but it's better than having some ghost watching you from the corner. Sacrifices are going to have to made, I've accepted that.

Stop watching me creep! It's still gay even if you're dead.

Some of you may be wondering how I plan on making the house haunted. My plan is simple. Invite elderly people from the neighborhood over and hope they decide to pass away in the house. Don't worry I'm not going to murder anyone, I'm not a psycho, honestly I wouldn't hurt a fly (that's not true, I've killed dozens of flies, but I wouldn't hurt a bunny, or a hamster, I'm nice, I swear). However if my activities that I've planned for our days are a little, um, overstimulating, am I really to blame? I didn't give them an eighty three year old heart, and furthermore, I'm no cardiologist, I have no idea how much physical activity the elderly can endure before their hearts explode, how can I be held responsible? "We were just playing an intense game of Wii Tennis officer, I had no idea she had heart murmurs, she's the one that wanted to play five sets I swear to God!"

I'll be completely hospitable and courteous, I'll probably even enjoy their company, and they mine, I mean I'll be spending a lot of time with them after they're gone so I have to like them while they're alive, right? And the last thing I want is a pissed off ghost. It's not like I'm one of those creepyamateur taxidermists who poison people to keep them company. I have no interest in your body, just your eternal soul.

I'm excited to get some new friends. The best part is, after I get my first ghost friend, getting more will be easy. The first ghost friend will probably give the new old people I bring over heart attacks on the first day. You have to admire the efficiency of the system. I'll have a whole ghost entourage in a month. You're probably asking "Well what are you going to do when you get tired of the ghosts or a hobo ghost teaches the ghosts you live with how to throw stuff and push you?" Well I'm Catholic, and my parish is only five blocks away. If I get tired of my friends I call up the priest, have him do a little exorcism, and boom, no more grumpy ghosts.

You're a bad influence!

So that's my plan for keeping myself entertained from now on. It's definitely got some holes, but for the most part I think it's solid. And if it does go horribly wrong and I end up in prison, well hey, I'll have lots of friends and something to do everyday. Hooray!

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