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July 20, 2011

House republicans' symbolic debt ceiling legislation features a rider that forbids fat chicks. Not true, incidentally.

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The republican-controlled US House of Representatives on Tuesday passed a largely symbolic plan to extend America’s borrowing capacity in exchange for future government spending caps, a balanced budget amendment, and no fat chicks.

This proposal would cut spending by $111 billion in 2012 and cap future outlays to 19.9% of the nation's gross domestic output. It would require congress to send a balanced budget constitutional amendment to all 50 states for ratification. Plus, no fat chicks.

“The number of obese women in America under the current administration has drastically increased,” said House speaker John Boehner (R-OH) before the plan went to a vote.

“America can no longer stand by and watch as the pleasant jiggle of America’s past becomes an earth-shaking wave of flesh. The administration has done nothing to stem the cellulite tide, so somebody has to make a stand.”

“Look, nobody minds a girl what’s got some junk in that trunk,” said Representative Shemp Teasely (R-AL).

“What concerns us and the men of America is the drastic inflation of chubby cheeks, arm-fat and love handles among American women that has rendered America an aesthetically challenged nation.”

American chicks once made us the envy of the world,” says House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), who was critical of some parts of the plan but a strong supporter of the “fat-chicks” rider. “And now all one sees on the American landscape are business-class uggos and Sara Lee girls.’

‘To find a sad testament to the unfortunate legacy of the Obama era, one need look no further than the pudgy state of American babedom.”

Cantor reportedly attempted to add a “no yentas” rider as well, but gained little support and withdrew the request.

“I’m so disgusted by this mean, sexist hypocrisy that I could puke my motherfucking guts out,” said House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “The republicans seem addicted to unfunded mandates. Nowhere in this plan is there any allocations for public gyms, sports or diet-health centers to help these American women tone up,” she said.

“Just like the balanced budget amendment, this is a law against bad weather,” said congressman Barney Frank (D-MA). “It’s idiotic to try and legislate that which is beyond human power. Women will get fat. So will men. I mean, have you tried a chocodile lately? They’re like heroin. And they don’t even sell them on the east coast anymore, I have to get Nancy’s aides to ship them from San Francisco.”


One Democrat who does support the rider is Micah Del Rey (D-LA), who said that he decided on a recent trip home to New Orleans that women have to start slimming down because the future of America is at stake.

“Down in the Big Easy we’ve got some pretty rich food,” said Del Rey, “and it’s becoming a problem because the girl’s ain’t exercising like they should.'

'I swear, our birth rate’s gonna drop to zero if this keeps up. We can’t all pass around the same six women over and over like at a big fraternity party or whatnot.”

While the plan in its current state stands little chance of passing the Democratic-controlled Senate, Boehner says that nobody on his side of the aisle has expressed any second thoughts about it.

“No fat chicks, yeah,” said Boehner to a reporter standing next to him at the Kelvin’s Tavern in Georgetown Tuesday night.

“We’re all 100% behind it, all the way. Hell, if you can’t get the heifers to shape up, why bother coming to this town in the first place?”

Boehner then reportedly tried to chat up a waitress, got slapped and fell to the floor. He was helped out the door and into a cab by four slender female aides.