A young and robust Ted Cruz has one thing on his mind: world domination. Well that and the makings of a lumbering five-minute standup set. If you’re in the mood to laugh, don’t watch this! But if you’ve been thinking, “I haven’t felt uncomfortable in a while, I could really use some secondhand embarrassment” then this video of 18-year-old Ted Cruz is a must-watch!

Some choice quotes:

“My aspirations? Is that like sweat on my butt?”

— Ted Cruz, GOP frontfrunner

“What do I want to do in life? Well, my aspiration is to be in a teen tit film like that guy who played Horatio. You know, he was in Malibu Bikini Beach Shop?”

— Ted Cruz, family values candidate

“Other than that, uh, take over the world. World domination. You know, rule everything. Rich, powerful. That sort of stuff.”

— Ted Cruz, someone who might be President Of The United States

While a lot of news outlets are saying that his video reveals Cruz’s true intentions, we don’t think it does that. It just shows a dumb 18 year old kid trying very hard to be funny. Does this video prove that Cruz has always been irritating? Yes. Does it prove he is a diabolical evil genius who has been plotting world domination from a young age? No.

malibubikinishop.jpg

The film of teenage Ted Cruz’s heart’s desire

And if you’re hungry for some parody this morning, check out this video that the funny folks at Funny Or Die cooked up.

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