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October 01, 2015

Who Is The Michael Jordan Of Football And Other Pastimes

After his five-touchdown performance on Monday Night Football this week, Aaron Rodgers has started to stir up the classic “Michael Jordan of football” comparisons. Since the Jordan comparison pops up every time an individual excels in their field, I decided to go ahead and compile a master list of Michael Jordans of some other fields that don’t get as much press.

1. The Michael Jordan of Football: Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers


The guy is a proven athlete and a winner, just like Jordan.

2. The Michael Jordan of Reading: Danny Carmichael of Brownsville, Indiana.


This kiss-ass has really been getting after it since finishing The Chocolate Touch, his third chapter book of the month! Way ahead of his peers and quick with a smug smile. Sound like any famous basketball players you know?

3. The Michael Jordan of Microbrewing: Samuel Adams of Boston, Mass.


Technically Samuel Adams beers aren’t microbrews because they produce too much and are so popular that the other microbrews said it was unfair for them to compete. I think I remember Pat Riley saying the same thing about His Airness.

4. The Michael Jordan of FunkRock: Three Eleven


Always and forever. Seriously, have you listened to “Down” lately? I don’t know, man, it’s pretty good. You gotta remember, it’s from 1995, dude. Can you imagine hearing that in nineteen ninety freaking five?! All respect to the basketball player who “Came Original” every time he stepped on the court, MJ23 himself.

5. The Michael Jordan of Spooning in a warm bed on a rainy fall Sunday: Bailey Finnegan and Leigh Sparks of Ft. Greene, Brooklyn


Maybe they’ll go out later and get a latte and some bagels at that cute cafe near the park, but they’ve been spooning in bed since 9:00 last night (Yeah you heard right, in bed by 9 p.m. on a Saturday night? They’re SO OLD!). Someone else who is old now? Michael “Mr. 23” Jordan.

6. The Michael Jordan of Teammates: Scottie Pippen of the 1987–1998 Chicago Bulls


“No one passed anyone the ball for alley-oops, stop and pops, or back-door cuts better than Scottie Maurice Pippen. Six-time NBA Champion, seven-time NBA All-Star, Lifetime friend. Put that on my grave” — Michael Jordan

7. The Michael Jordan of Vine: No one … yet.


Sure, there have been some Wilt Chamberlain’s of Vine (Nash Grier), a few Oscar Robertsons of Vine (Bobby Schmurda), and even one or two Magic vs. Bird’s of Vine (Magcon), but there simply hasn’t been a clear MJ of Vine yet. I like to think the future Michael Jordan of Vine is just now picking up his first iPhone and pointing it at himself while he walks up to a stranger at the mall and screams in their face.

8. The Michael Jordan of NBC’s Must-See TV Lineup: The Cosby Show


I’m not happy about this either, but it was the most highly rated show on TV for five years, the same number of MVP’s “Air” Jordan won. Also, Michael Jordan gambled a lot, so he had some off-the-field vices too.

9. The Michael Jordan of Deals: Kohls in Northgate Mall, Cincinnati, Ohio


You’re planning to pay $50 or $60 for the one pair of Levis pants and two Ralph Lauren Polo shirts that you’re walking up to the register with, which is already a good price, then the cashier says the total is $22.56! How does this place make money! These prices are beyond competitive, just like the Hall of Famer Michael Jeffrey Jordan.

10. The Michael Jordan of Baristas: Filip of “Sweet Cup” in “The Bay Area”


Filip once pulled 18 espresso shots AT THE SAME TIME! Once refilled caps and naps (coffee cup tops and napkins) in the front room AND the back room WHILE RESETTING THE WIFI! Once caught 8 ozs. of boiling-hot spilled coffee in his BARE HANDS, spinned behind the counter, dumped it into a cup, and SERVED IT TO THE NEXT GUEST. On top of that, he’s super chill to talk to about whatever. Like girls or dating or books or anything really.

11. The Filip of Basketball: Michael Jordan


Seriously, got to Sweet Cup during the day on Monday or Thursday, you’ll understand.