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October 13, 2015

There's literally no dick in Steve Jobs so save your money.

Steve Jobs a new movie written by Aaron Sorkin and directed by Danny Boyle, was released this week in NY and LA. The film has somehow been getting rave reviews from audiences and critics despite being the biggest failure in recent cinematic history. I saw the film and, spoiler alert: Michael Fassbender never shows his penis. Not once. Nothing. Absolutely no penis. He might as well not even have a penis for all the penis we see in Steve Jobs. The movie is really great, whatever. But in my book it’s a big, fat zero for its lack of big fat dick.

Hollywood, please take note: When you cast Michael Fassbender (or any actor who has previously shown his penis in a movie) you are making an unspoken contract with the audience (me) that his penis will be shown. If that’s not going to be the case, you have to let us (again, me) know in advance! You can’t expect the audience (me, me, and me) to pay $13.75 for a ticket not to see Michael Fassbender’s penis. I sat through the whole movie, the credits, and then hung around for an extra 20 minutes before being asked to leave by the staff because surely his penis would show up at some point. But it turned out I was waiting for a dick that never came (pun intended).

Earth to Sony: There was already a Steve Jobs biopic. Why make a second one if NOT to show tons of dick?! Sure, Seth Rogan is wonderful and touching as Steve Wozniak. Yes, Aaron Sorkin’s script paints a compelling, complex picture of an incredibly influential figure. It’s rare that cinema can captivate and educate and entertain all at the same time. Steve Jobs does all that and more. I can acknowledge all this while still choosing to absolutely pan this pile of trash. I wanted dick. And all I got was a really great movie.

I get that there’s a weird double standard thing here that I’m promoting. If I were a man writing about an actress’ breasts, I’d be a real troll. If this article were about how Halle Berry showed her boobies in Monster’s Ball and has to show them in every moving going forward, I’d be a reeeeeal creep. There’d be Jezebel articles about me and I bet I’d read them and post them on Facebook and be like, “RIGHT ON, SISTER!” I understand the double standard and I still don’t care. Bottom line, I wanted to see a penis and I didn’t and now I’m pissed as hell.

Whatever, go see the movie. It’s really good for a movie without dick in it. But I’m putting this out into the world now: If Ben Affleck doesn’t at LEAST show between-peen (butt shot with balls/peen dangling through) in the new Batman it WILL be a failure.