Howdy there. It’s your cowboy ex president, George W. Bush. You might be thinking “George W. Bush? Isn’t that the guy who got my local diner to call french fries freedom fries? Don’t we have bigger problems than that?” And yes, yes we do. You see, if President Trump defunds the NEA, I’ll have no one to pay for my new horse painting exhibit.
I have so many new art exhibits planned that our great country will never get to see if the NEA is no longer funded. Remember when those art critics at The Guardian said all my paintings of world leaders looked exactly like things you’d find on Google images? Joke’s on them: I plan to make a whole set of paintings based on my own google search history. Don’t you want to know what a former president searches for on Google, like how to open a door? President Trump wants to deprive you of the nation’s great art, and I simply won’t stand for it.
Now, don’t get me wrong here. Just because I’m not interested in removing all the funding from the NEA doesn’t mean I want government spending to go to Meals on Wheels, or, God forbid, public radio. I spent most of the money I got as president on converting my library into an art gallery, which was more useful to me since I’m functionally illiterate. The rest of it went to Siegfried Engelmann, whose book My Pet Goat really got me out of a bind on 9/11. Without the NEA, I won’t be able to successfully put up my latest horse painting exhibit: “Neigh: Horses Saying No To Tax Increases On The Wealthy.” I also have plans to paint a series of horses that look like my former cabinet members. Don’t you think former Vice President Dick Cheney looks just like this horse?
Anyway, just because I hugged Michelle Obama, I utterly failed at putting on a poncho at the inauguration, and don’t encourage taking away funding for an organization that is literally .0012% of federal discretionary spending doesn’t mean I’m becoming an old softie. I’m still The Decider. I decide plenty of things, like deciding how pruny to make my toes the next time I paint myself in the bathtub. I even have a positive opinion of President Trump. If you remember correctly, I wasn’t that big a fan of the popular vote, either. But defunding the NEA is more of an emergency than the time I choked on that pretzel, and I hope he’ll reconsider.