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April 17, 2018

The crossover nobody asked for is finally here. 14 of the most ridiculous things from this week's 'Fear The Walking Dead' season premiere S04E01 "What's Your Story?"

1) Turn On The Lights

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Why is it so dark. I can’t see what’s going on. Is that how TV is supposed to work? Or is it the way where you’re SUPPOSED to be able to see stuff. Someone help me out, I always get those confused.

2) Say Less

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Sheriff Howdy’s night literature is interrupted by noise so he decides to have a chat with the wind. What the hell is he talking about? I don’t know how it’s possible, but I stopped paying attention, like, four separate times in the middle of this.

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MORGAN OUT OF NOWHERE! The crossover is upon us, people. Glad they eased fans concerns that they wouldn’t just introduce Morgan by having him pop up out of nowhere! Alright, let’s do the damn thing.

3) So, We’re Basically Just Doing An Episode Of Walking Dead Now

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Jeeeeesus Christ, Jesus! Didn’t I JUST say goodbye to you until October? Now Carol wants to do a stop and chat?! What the fuck, this show just finished. This isn’t a crossover at all, it’s just more of the show that just ended. Like what would you think if you’re a Fear The Walking Dead fan who has never seen The Walking Dead and these absolute caricatures of human beings show up on your TV and you’re supposed to take them seriously? Well at least that’s don—

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“I wouldn’t be here if wasn’t for some seemingly minor detail in my contract that turned out to be kind of a big deal. And if I find out who wrote that contract … I’ll KIIILLLL HIIIIM. To me, you are crazy. But also perfect, I guess.”

” Rick tells Morgan he can run, but he can’t hide. And Morgan 100% hears that shit like a challenge.

4) Morgan Wastes No Time Going Crazy

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Morgan wastes zero time going full waking up on a barrel clutching a murder stick banana bread crazy. And because Rick said he can’t run, he FORREST GUMPS THE SHIT UP OUT THAT SPOT. FAST AS HELL. YAHHH.

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I would’ve loved it if, after they cut from a full gas tank to an empty one, it was just Morgan on the ground outside the same place where he found the car. Surviving only on crickets and sips of his sweet crazy fuel for weeks.

5) Morgan’s New Friend

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Morgan made a new friend! Cute. Who is this man asking about a lost woman with a matching gun? There’s no version of any of that where it’s a happy story. I don’t know about you guys, but when I meet a slow talking man who invites me to a slumber party in his truck with nothing but beans, I jump on that offer.

6) No New Friends

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Morgan’s plan to meet no new people is not going great. And he’s not doing a great job convincing these people he has no friends, considering a guy showed up and almost killed them and said he did it because he’s his bestie.

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Ugh. Just what the fuck is going on. This Mad Max Chris Nolan Batmobile shit. Ugh. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh WHAT SHOW AM I EVEN WATCHING I AM UNCLEAR. IT’S NOT A CROSSOVER IF IT’S A WHOLE NEW SHOW THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

7) The Casting Couch

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Well I’m as shocked as the next guy that this strange lady with a van made of guns didn’t purchase these humans with cigarettes and noodles out of the kindness of her heart.

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These guys need to watch out. I’ve seen these kind of movies before, they do NOT go well for the person being filmed! The best you can do is ask to keep it out of your eyes, but it’s like a 50/50 at best if they’ll listen.

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Morgan decides to tell her there are no news stations left just in case she doesn’t know. And these are what cans look like. Thanks for the update, Morgan.

8) Sock It To Me

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Morgan should be WAY more excited about those socks. Socks rule, even in the non-zombie apocalypse and the only people who don’t like socks as a gift are kids. Because they’re dumb as hell.

9) They’re Surrounded

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All of these people are crazy. Is it their first day of the apocalypse? You did your interview in the MOST easily surroundable place. And is this, like, some local town with these people and they all know each other and the lady who has the gun van? WHAT IS HAPPENING.

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Morgan takes a bullet by running DIRECTLY at a guy on a roof with a rifle while he is holding his non-bulletproof stick. Shocking.

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Then he whooped his ass? Then saved his ass! Then left him to die. WHAT IS GOING ON.

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There’s just no stakes in this whole sequence. Because you know Morgan goes on to the next show. That’s the whole point of this episode. All this Morgan blowing up everyone’s shit has zero weight of consequence. Which is another way to say it chews zombie balls.


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11) Smart Move Passing On The Tiger

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Smart move passing on the tiger, lady! I agree that part of the story is a bit much.

12) Sure, Let’s Bury A Dude

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Morgan loses then regains his new friends for the seventeenth time this episode, then BURIES A STRANGER HE MET ONE TIME WHO BASICALLY TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF. Like … why. Why bury anyone. As has been extensively discussed on this recap, digging holes is a big waste of time no matter what, but especially in the zombie apocalypse.


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Snacks and questions and bad stories, oh my! I’ve got a great feeling about this road trip.

14) The Ol’ Crying White Girl Scam

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Wow. Are you REALLY about to fall for the crying white girl scam? It’s the oldest scam in the book! Don’t do it!!

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ALICIA! Thank heavens you’re here! This show is awful, it’s even worse than the one you came from! Even though they’re allegedly the same show! RUN!!!

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OH, SNAP! THE GANG IS ALL HERE! CROSS OVER COMPLETE. WE HAVE ACHIEVED FULL CROSSOVER. NO FURTHER QUESTINOS AND THEY DEFINITELY DIDN’T JUST ACHIEVE THIS CROSSOVER BY LITERALLY HAVING THE CHARACTERS JUMP OUT OF NOWHERE TO BE ON A SHOW TOGETHER EXCEPT THAT’S WHAT THEY DID AND THEY DID IT TWICE. Tune in next week! How will Morgan adjust to this new group? A bunch of ruthless murderers with a crazy sheriff in the mix? I’m guessing he’ll adjust. What will Strand do with that murder van? Only thing he knows how to do. Drive it into the ocean and ruin it. Will Nick get along with Morgan? They both have a rich history of poking into veins! NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on S04E02 of Fear The Walking Dead.