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November 03, 2009
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2. Sleeping With a Cold (Not Unlike Sleeping with the Enemy)

One of the most agitating, non-funny aspects of having a cold occurs in the bedroom. This includes trying to sleep when you have a cold or trying to sleep WITH someone who has a cold. Just ain’t gonna happen, my friend.

Indentifying the problem is simple.

Trying to breath with congested lungs or a mucus filled nose creates sounds; many of which are unimaginably irritating. If you’ve ever slept with someone who snores, you know exactly what I’m talking about. This also includes the constant sniffing and snuffling as well as the nose blowing. Throw in a cough and insomnia becomes the least of your problems. Inevitably, sleepus interruptus becomes a bigger problem for you than coitis interruptus. Any thoughts of romance go right out the window.  

Here are a few techniques that may assist a person trying to sleep with a cough or a cold.

The aforementioned slathering of Vicks over your feet and wearing you socks to bed is said to stop overnight coughing. It worked for me.

Try stuffing tissues up your nose to prevent incessant leakage. Both my wife and son apply this technique. As they walk around the house they look something akin to saber-toothed tigers. Of course their voices become very nasal. It’s like living with robotic aliens.

I wonder what happens to the gunk that is prevented from running out. Perhaps a blockage is created, causing a reverse in flow, which in turn, creates a backlog in the throat. This is where the snore is born, my friends.

“BBBBRRRRRROOOOOWWWWWLLLLLAAAAAAWWWW!!!!!”

There are methods to stop the snoring of the person who shares your bed. First of all you might give the offender a push or a poke, which can cause them to change position and thereby alleviate the snore. But you must be careful not to awake them! An angry partner with a cold just might poke you in nose and say, “What the fuck are you doing. I just got to sleep, you moron!”

Another good practice is to purchase a trainload of “Breath-Right”© strips. The handy-dandy, spring- like bandage, when applied to the nose, keeps those nasal passages open by pulling the nostril apart. The wheezing sound they create is at a far lower decibel level than the bulldozer sounds that are currently keeping you awake. If your partner includes the nostril-tissue-stuff with this procedure, not only do you have a bedmate that looks like Rocky Balboa, you also have sound suppression at its very best. This is a Win-Win situation for you, my friend.  

You can help yourself attain a sleepy state by taking various medications and/or hot liquid drinks. My personal favorite is Melatonin, a natural occurring hormone supplement. This little pill helps me fall asleep and keeps me out for the night.  

Some melatonin supplements are made from the pineal gland of cows, so you are at a bit of a risk for Mad Cow disease. And, becoming a snuffling, sniffing, coughing, mooing person who is as nutty as a fruitcake is no laughing matter.

The other benefit of a sleep supplement is that you sleep very soundly. Your REM sleep is increased and you dream as never before. I wouldn’t say that these dreams are nightmares, but I would say these journeys into your subconscious can be disturbing. That’s why psychoanalysis is a good backup plan.  

There are also dangers that come with a sound sleep, including waking up in a pool of your own snot. Try sewing a tennis ball to the front of your p-jammies, so that when you roll over onto your stomach, you’re forced to roll back unto your back. If you get post-nasal drip from this, at least you can swallow the gunk and not have to deal with it during the night. I think swallowing can be good thing in a lot of situations, don’t you.

One technique of last-resort can be referred to as “couchus curla-uptus”.

Yes, you can leave the warmth of your bed (or you can suggest same to your partner) and go sleep on the couch. If you’ve found yourself sleeping there before because of some other indiscretion, then you might find the experience comforting. You can cough; wheeze, and fart to your hearts content and no one will be disturbed. The only person, who will be kept awake, will be you!

You might discover that trying to get couch-space to sleep comfortably and trying to stay warm under a postage stamp sized blanket a bit disconcerting. No matter, you’re partner is happy and you have made a positive deposit to your Karma bank; the rewards that follow just might amaze you.

NOT!

Feel free to use any of these suggestions. Once again, I can guarantee that they are tested and true. You see, I’ve run the gamut over the past two weeks, and running gamuts is my specialty.

 As for the number #1 reason why colds are not funny – that’s easy, because if you find that a cold is funny, or you can achieve a humorous state of nirvana when you have one, then you’re obviously full of #2.

Actually, I did find one funny thing about a cold. My father used to say to us, “Don’t get a cold in your blow hole!” Now, that image is funny, don’t you think. And, If you can explain it, I’d be eternally grateful.

Hi! Ho!

Grumpy

 

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