Are you in a relationship but you’ve decided it’s too much of a hassle to travel to a different neighborhood every time you’re horny and want to make love? I’ve got the perfect solution: Move in together! Don’t waste any time, pack up all your t-shirts in a garbage bag and put them in the same drawer as your partner’s underwear, or however you two decide to put away your clothes.

Moving in with your lover is a gigantic step on your way to manhood. You’re no longer existing as a single entity, sharing apartment after apartment with strange adult men who you have to see in their bedclothes. You become a team, sharing an apartment with someone who you enjoy seeing walk around the place naked and alive. But moving in together, settling down, and embarking on a long, predictable road to death isn’t cool…unless you do it right.

Below is a guide to moving in with your lover but in a cool way.


1. Make the decision to move in or not WHILE you are having sex.
Face it, sex is a big part of any relationship decision. In your relationship, do you have good sex or bad sex? If you decide whether or not to move in together while you’re having bad sex then you’ll probably decide not to move in together, which is the right choice! You don’t want to move in with someone you have bad sex with! But if you have good sex you’ll definitely decide to move in together and that will be the right decision because what’s better than living with someone you have good sex with?

And there is nothing cooler than making a big pronouncement while having sex. It’s like dirty talk but with repercussions.

2. Before moving in, weigh and measure each other’s things individually.
To make sure one partner is not taking up one bit of space more than the other.
Healthy relationships must be a statistically even split of love, emotion, and physical things you keep in your apartment. If one partner is hogging up all the physical space with their things, it’s only a matter of time before that partner hogs up all the emotional space. Pretty soon, they’re taking up all of dinnertime talking shit about their coworkers and not even asking if you want to talk shit about your coworkers.

3. If you fall asleep drinking a beer and spill it on the sheets, act like it’s not a big deal.
Don’t get me wrong, it definitely is a big deal. Having wet stinky sheets is the worst, especially when you’re sleepy in the middle of the night, but voluntarily sleeping in the wet spot so that your partner doesn’t have to is a great indicator to your lover that no matter what challenge you face and no matter how late it is and how sleepy you are, you are willing to sleep in that challenge and then fix it in the morning. Also, like, it’s super embarrassing to fall asleep with a beer in your hand, so playing it cool is the only way you save face.

4. If you don’t have sex every night then something is wrong with you.
Everyone agrees. Couples who live together should be having sex every single night without exception and if you don’t then something is wrong with your relationship as well as each of you individually.

5. Make it clear that their underwear shouldn’t ever be just laying around. Because your boys WILL be coming over. A lot.
The least cool thing you can do when you move in with your lover is to phase out time with your boys. They will notice, they will talk about it behind your back, and you will feel like a puss-bag loser, as you should. But clear communication when it comes to expectations you have for each other is the keystone of a strong relationship. Just say “Hey, babe? Can you get these undies out of here, my boys don’t need to see that.”

6. Get ready to fall in love twice every day: Once as you fall asleep and then again when you wake up next to the love of your life, realizing anew that this is forever and feeling not crushed but comforted–like a soft warm blanket–by it’s limitlessness.
Don’t ever say that out loud, though. That would be very uncool.

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