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September 15, 2015

Just don't.

Hello Google! Or Alphabet, Lycos, Altavista, whatever your company is called now. I’m writing to congratulate you on hiring a new CEO for your self-driving car company. With projects like these, you guys really are bringing us into the future, and it’s certainly a good idea to get some people—read, my mother-in-law :) —out from behind the wheel.

That said, I do have one tiny concern that’s been on my mind and I just thought I should run it by you: please do not let anyone turn these cars into killing machines. I know that probably sounds kooky-crazy to you, but we humans kinda have a history of taking the freshest and most exciting technologies and using them to create widespread destruction and bloodshed. Computers, radios, drones—these gadgets all got co-opted for death pretty darn quickly. The self-driving car is an awesome idea, and Google is the only company I’d trust to build a robot that will drop my son off at karate class. However, it’s one step away from an unmanned death cruiser that can drive itself into town and murder the mayor, so please do the world a favor and keep those brainiac codes of yours locked up, okay??

You probably look at your invention and think, no way, this thing’s way too cute to slay a pack of guerilla warriors with dozens of casualties. It looks like a big ladybug from the future! But as you can see below, with only slight modifications, the car transforms into a purveyor of death that make any bloodthirsty military strategist cream his camos with excitement.

Self Driving Car weapon.jpg

I learned Photoshop to make this image because it is that important to me.

So please Google, I beg you—don’t let people turn your cars into killing machines. We all know the robot war is coming sometime, but we’re counting on you to delay it as long as possible. If scary government people ask for your car, just tell them you have to run to a really nice free lunch or a ping-pong tournament your office is hosting or whatever—I don’t know what you people do.

And one other thing, totally unrelated: I love the new logo! I hated the old one and it kept me up at night how ugly it was but the new one is really different and I’m a person who cares about these things. Thanks very much, don’t become part of the problem!