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June 15, 2009


O.K., ’dusa,

My darlin’ baklava,

You may

Get up.


You have read …

One-sentence poem No. 3,245,638 – an excerpt from Greek bite-sized mini-legend No. ???? x 3.14, part II: Eros’ remark to Medusa, who has gotten on her knees to stare at his “Khronos,” which doesn’t stay rock-solid for as long as it did when he used to have afternoon ménages a trois with Medusa and Madonna (who’s older than people think), because Medusa’s “pulsating pink Parthenon” still burns the nightly oil lamps of lingering lactating lust for his “Khronos” and wants to return it to its ’round-the-clock, rock-solid glory

As adapted by Ivan O’Uris


Background Notes: “One-sentence poem No. 3,245,638” is an adaptation of the sequel to the bite-sized mini-legend that Ivan O’Uris adapted as “One-sentence poem No. 3,245,637” (see issue No. 15). It was originally planned to have been the featured poem for issue No. 16, but was withheld at the last minute because a gentleman who had read issue No. 15 at Funny or Die.com suffered traumatic flashbacks, in which he imagined he was watching “Clash of the Titans” again (see related comments at http://funnyordie.com/muttman1967). Mutt Media LLC has waited until now to publish “One-sentence poem No. 3,245,638” as a sign of sensitivity. It takes time, after all, to recover from the trauma of watching a 1980s Laurence Olivier movie.

Before providing background notes on “One-sentence poem No. 3,245,638,” it’s necessary to provide a brief summary of “One-sentence poem No. 3,245,637” for those unfamiliar with it and/or its backstory. “One-sentence poem No. 3,245,637” is an adaptation of a Greek bite-sized mini-legend involving Medusa and Zeus, in which a drunken Zeus summons Medusa in a bar to help him resolve his erectile dysfunction problem, but is turned to stone because she looks at his whole body, instead of his sagging “Mount Olympus.”*

Ivan learned about the mini-legend during his 2003 trip to Greece while chatting in Athens with Chuck Cropophilus, a professional cabdriver, philosopher and womanizer who has repeatedly lobbied the Greek Parliament to pass a law making it mandatory for Greeks ages 21 and older to purify their souls by bathing in Greek coffee. Cropophilus told Ivan the Zeus-Medusa tale during an ouzo drinking binge. He told Ivan the sequel while treating the aftereffects of that binge with Greek coffee. (It remains unknown if Cropophilus tried to treat the hangover by drinking the coffee or bathing in it.)

According to the sequel, just as Zeus started doing his unintentional impression of classic sculpture, the Greek god Eros entered Aphrodite’s Aphrodisiac, where the Zeus-Medusa incident had just happened. Medusa had her back to Eros. Casually, Eros slipped up behind Medusa and slipped a blindfold around her eyes.

“Heyest thereth, my beautiful, bodacious, buxom buttered baklava,” Eros murmured, adding a warm-breath-in-the-ear touch to make her head tilt in that sexy way he loved.

 “Heyest thyselfeth, my hunk of hot humid human hummus,” Medusa replied. “How didst thouest recognizeth me?”

“Why I wouldst knoweth the rear of thy head anywherest, my darlin’ baklava,” Eros said. “Yea, I’ve seeneth it too many times during too many ménages a trois with theest and the fair Madonna to not knoweth it.”

Although Medusa was angry with Eros because “Mr. Love God” hadn’t seen her in years and hadn’t even contacted her by messenger, she still wanted to reunite with him. “My pink pulsating Parthenon** hast yearnedeth for thee,” she purred. “How havest thou beenest?”

Eros said he was depressed. As with Zeus, he had erectile dysfunctions issues. But unlike Zeus, who couldn’t get his “Mount Olympus” to stand tall at all, Eros’ “Khronos” would stand tall for only a few minutes, rather than days and weeks, as had been the case when he had been the hit of the Greek god party scene and had inspired Athena to declare that his toga tickler “lasted longer than the Coloss-i-Sham”***. While partying a few weeks earlier with Hermes, Eros’ Khronos experienced durability dysfunction, prompting Hermes to crack, “It appeareth the sand is out of thyest hourglass, lover boy.” An argument ensued, culminating in Eros betting that he could keep his Khronos as upright as a sundial for as long as it took Hermes to lap the Earth 10 million times.

Eros pleadingly asked Medusa to use her powers to help him win his bet. Medusa replied: “Why shouldest I? Thouest callest on me only whenest thou wantest something for thyself, oh ye with the head of chowder!” Eros kissed Medusa on the neck and assured her he was a changed Greek god. Seduced, Medusa kneeled, put on blinders and gazed at Eros’ crotch. When he saw his Khronos had regained its rock-solid glory, he said the line that forms the text of the above poem.

Rumor has it there’s another part to this bite-sized mini-legend. To find out, keep reading “The Paperlessly Wallpapered I.O’U. Papers” – or go to Athens and find Chuck Cropophilus.


*“Mount Olympus” is a euphemism for … colossal Cyclops of carnality.


**“Pink pulsating Parthenon” is a euphemism for … passionate pink petunia.


***The Coloss-i-Sham was a popular drying cloth in ancient Greece. It’s believed to have inspired the ShamWow. Eros called his toga tickler his “mighty Coloss-i-Sham” until the Greek clock-watching god Khronos suggested it be named after him for its ability to “stand beyond the confines of time.”


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