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This Week's Horoscopes


Taurus:
   
You will vehemently but diplomatically defend your 
choice for Best Album of All Time until your friends get way out of line and turn the whole conversation personal.  In an effort to avoid losing your temper, you will quietly leave the room and although everyone else will think you are being pissy, you can take comfort in the fact that you know you were the one who was being mature and everyone else was acting like a child. 

Gemini:    
Your Thursday drive to work will actually be quite a bit
quicker than normal, most likely due to the Holiday. 

 

Cancer:    
Circumstances beyond your control will affect you.

 

Leo:  
You will deal with a lot of negativity that totally shouldn’t be focused at you because your mom is transferring and she always does this passive aggressive bullshit.  It’s like, Jesus fucking Christ, we get it Mom.  You’re a fucking martyr.  Why don’t you hit me upside the face with a shovel?  It might be more subtle. 

 

Libra:   
You will see Apocalypse Now and it will freak you the fuck out.

 

Aries:   
Your biological father will shoot you in the face.

 

Scorpio:   
Someone will fart and the smell of that fart, while bad, will not be nearly as bad as you assumed it would be.

 

Virgo:   
You will go see a local band and realize why you never go see local bands.

 

Sagittarius:  
You will threaten to commit suicide at the drop of a hat.

 

Capricorn:   
North Korea will be about a cunt hair away from blowing us all to shit.

 

Aquarius:     
You’ve never been to a musical and, God damn it, this is no time to start.

 

Pisces:  
Somebody will do something that will just make you want to stop giving people chances, you know?

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