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December 10, 2011


I couldn't wait to write this one, probably because my team made it to the playoffs. To be honest, I would have immediately stopped production of these posts following the regular season if the PB Squad (if you're asking yourself "who is the PB Squad?" right now, then fuck you) had not made it to the playoffs. I'm an asshole.

I'm glad the Jack D Rocks owner (who is a very close friend of mine) decided to go along with the "Five Words' bit in this quarterfinals, because I totally put him on the spot in that last wrap-up.

And boy, he didn't disappoint.  We only communicated through text since we were both at work when I was typing this up, but he had me laughing my ass off. I kind of felt bad because he sent me some real good material for the last article in regards to his matchup with the RamRods, I just forgot to add it.

Oh well, shit happens.  Let the games begin.


Professional Blues = me (Fox)

my ninjas = black

Jack D Rocks = brown

Legion of Doom = blue

RamRods = red

Bastard Mutants = orange

T. Green? = green

AK-47 = Adam (only met him a few times and have no idea what his last name is)

CANT WAIT = turquoise

Bruce Blingstein = gray (*automatic win*)







FaNasty News Around The League (Quarterfinals)

Thursday 12/8, 3:30PM - It's all come down to this folks. It's playoff time, and we have two great matchups to kick off the postseason. Both of these should come down to the wire, and we were able to attend all four team owners' press conferences this week to get their thoughts on the upcoming weekend. As mentioned earlier in the week, we also sat down with Jack D Rocks owner S** C******* to get his "Five Words" and keys to each matchup. Although he was clearly under the influence of drugs or alcohol or both, he was absolutely hilarious. We look forward to having him back in our studios for the semifinals and finals previews. We will waste no more of your precious time and get right to the '11 FaNasty Quarterfinals ATL.


Bastard Mutants (1) - *BYE*

Legion of Doom (2) - *BYE*

RamRods (6) v. Professional Blues (3)

Both of these owners were quick to let each other know they didn't like one another when the season began. While it seemed impossible, we believe the hatred has grown even more. If we take a quick look back to the midway point of the season, PB Squad owner Fox traded with RamRods owner J*** C****** to acquire quarterback Michael Vick. While Vick has had his ups and downs this year, it's fitting that he's returning from injury just in time to play his former team. In that same trade, C****** acquired running back DeAngelo Williams from the P Blues. Barring a game time switch, it appears that Williams will be sitting his ass on the bench this week.

Regardless of what happened along the way, however, C****** apparently predicted this outcome over a month ago. Jack D Rocks owner S** C******* hosted a Halloween party, one that was attended by several other league owners. This being the day before the RamRods and Professional Blues squared up in their regular season match, both Fox and C****** had plenty to say to each other. C****** predicted that they would play once again in the playoffs, and he apparently knew that he would lose against Fox that weekend. Earlier yesterday at RamRods practice facilities, C****** had a simple message for Fox and his P Blues club. He looked directly in the camera and said, "I let you win that week and I am going to take you down in the playoffs."

When asked earlier today about C******'s message, Fox refused to acknowledge the question. He instead talked about the tough quarterback decision he had made just moments before stepping up to the podium. He called the decision to start Ryan Fitzmagic over Matt Moore a "crap shoot" and said that he wanted to allow his most tenured quarterback to get the first playoff start. He was no doubt excited to be getting quarterback Mike Vick back for the quarterfinals, and he had a message of his own when talking about C******. Fox told reporters, "Funny how Mr. Shitty Trade Proposals accepted a shitty trade that I proposed to him in order to get Vick. Now his former quarterback is gonna lead the PB Squad to victory and send his dusty ass back into his filthy hole."

*S** C*******'s Five Words/Keys to the Matchup: Fantasy's. Cum. True. Off-. Season. "Now that my fantasy football season is over, I roll right into my 'fantasy's come true off-season,' which is a part of the year I always enjoy. Although, paying for all the whores and extras always puts a dent in my pocketbook. As for the matchup, any team that has Rex 'I got less pussy than Tebow in college' Grossman starting for them in the playoffs is fucked. Prepubescent Blues advances. Mark my words."

FaNasty Matchup Projections — RamRods: 166.73pts - Professional Blues: 163.66pts

T. Green?(5) v. CANT WAIT(4)

T. Green? owner T** P****** put in the necessary work all season long to have his players ready to compete in just about every game (we said "just about" to not discredit the few times they got their asses whooped). The only thing surprising to him about his team being in the playoffs is that they aren't ranked higher. Meanwhile, E***** S****** and his CANT WAIT club have already been playing playoff football for the past three weeks. While this platform tends to overwhelm several teams, this team already incorporated a playoff mentality in their locker room weeks ago. Both of these owners are assholes in their own regard. P****** is the clever kind of asshole that makes you laugh but still want to strangle the life out of him. S****** is the kind of asshole that makes you wonder just what exactly happened when he was younger that made him so lifelessly cold. But hey, even assholes win sometimes.

CANT WAIT heads into the playoffs without one of their leading contributors, running back Matt Forte. Forte took a vicious shot to the knee in last week's game and could be sidelined for the entire playoffs. S****** remains confident that his club can win, but he admits that the injury was a blow to the team. CANT WAIT facilities were still lit up well into yesterday evening, and the team owner addressed the press in a late-night conference. "It's going to be an epic battle of [***** ** *** ******] grads, a clash of the titans if you will," said a very composed S******. He followed by saying that "T. Greens?" is lucky that the Chicago Bears can't block for shit (Forte injury), as losing their star running back may have significantly hurt their chances of winning it all. Amidst all of the chaos, S****** said that he still thinks his backups will step up and help bring his club to the next round.

While we expected T. Green? owner T** P****** to have plenty of words for fellow ***** ** *** ****** alum Elliot S******, he instead expressed his utter disdain for being named a FaNty finalist for League's Most Hated Owner. He sarcastically apologized for any possible reasons why he would be hated, and he questioned if he should be hated for "conducting [his] business with the swagger of a champion day in and day out." He then apologized once again, saying, "I'm sorry I'm a true-blooded American winner." Before P****** headed back to his office, he finally talked about this weekend's matchup. He told us that he's "terrified" about these quarterfinals, but that he has been waiting for the playoffs all year and accepts the challenge.

*S** C*******'s Five Words/Keys to the Matchup: Find. A. New. Team. Name. "In a battle of the two shittiest team names in the league, T. Green? (how is a fan supposed to cheer for this team?) will notch victory number eight behind Phil Rivers and The Sean McCoy. Expecting low output from most of CANT WAIT's (Can't wait! Can't wait! Can't wait! Catchy chant huh?) offense excluding Jimmy G. Can't stop Rivers in December and both [running backs] are favorable matchups for T. Greeny. Mark my words."

FaNasty Matchup Projections — T. Green?: 165.32pts - CANT WAIT: 171.86pts

-FaNasty News